Avoid Entertaining the Hooks

So it has been a new form of adjusting now. And it is interesting.

My councilor that I have been seeing regularly, has relocated to another state. This could be detrimental to any recovering person. In itself, it creates a break in a relationship that has formed over time. Even though it it professional, it is still a relationship. Someone you talk to and put your trust and faith in with your personal issues, even though you know that they are (by law) unable to speak about your stuff outside the walls of your meeting place, less you aim to cause harm to yourself or another. The break in relationship can put certain forms of personalities back into darkness or on it way. On the other end of the stick it could open up a door for rebellion in the vale of independence. Seeing that their is no more commitment to meet and open up and be truthful.

For myself, I am ok with this move. My councilor is a man of Faith as am I. I am aware that God has plans for he and his wife that are no longer in this area. Plus, he was telling me long before the move, that he and his wife we looking to relocate, and he gave me a general date. So I had plenty of time to prepare. But it never really sank in until my final meeting. When I walked into the office and saw boxes packed, and the only furniture left was the desk, chair, and the seats we sat on. It was weird.

My lady and I had been going together when available to do so. So it was something new for her too. But like me, she was well aware of it and understood it was his path.

I am currently still in contact with some council week to week. I do not have anyone I am meeting with professionally at the moment but I do have references for when I feel the time is needed. But in a good blessing that the Lord provides, I have four brothers that I have been speaking with a lot lately who have similar paths as mine. We are all brothers in Faith. We are all friends, and we all get to see each other pretty frequently. So I am very happy for that. And as an added bonus, my lady is friends with two of their significant others, who as well deal with similar situations. So she too has some close friends that she is able to share stuff with and talk with in confidence.

It is awesome how things work sometimes. A pleasant reminder that my God is always looking out for me.

Lately, with everything concerning my struggles, I have been trying to apply something that I received while I was writing in my journal, I believe it can be applied to any situation of addiction;

- "You don't struggle anymore because it affects you. You struggle because you choose to entertain it. I have saved you from this, and I shall do it again, and again, as long as you entertain it. But, there will come a time when I let you go, and you see the error of your ways and their repercussions. So quit while you are ahead, and let it be known that it is I that saved you, and not your dad, your mom, no one. It is I your Lord, your God, who saved you and brought you up."
These are the words the Spirit gave me. The words of God, reminding me that He, and He only, is the One who watches over me and takes care of me. He has protected me, and covered my sins and iniquities when I falter. And if left alone to my own devices, I will eventually gravitate far enough to the point of repetition, and danger. This is when He will no longer cover me. He will allow me to walk by myself like I have been trying to do, and in return He will allow me to suffer the consequences.

I gave my life to Jesus. I have put my Faith in Him and Him only. Because of this, I am covered with Grace. A supernatural, protective love that I will never understand. This passage is a reminder of that. That I have given ME, to HIM. That includes my good stuff and my bad stuff. I gave it to Him to sort it out and keep the stuff He likes and toss the stuff He doesn't.

So for me to go back into the thoughts, the images, the conversations, the actions that I may have once entertained, is for me to do just that, entertain them. If a situation arises where a conversation is set up to go south, or the option is there for me to entertain some sexual based jokes or actions, or if there is talk of video or images that "should" be seen, I know enough to avoid them. Because if I follow along this path, it is no longer because I am addicted to it, but it is because I am choosing to follow it. The truth is, I am no longer tied to the earth by these actions. I gave them up when I trusted Jesus. Plus, I understand them now. I know most of the triggers, and I know where they lead too, what they do, how they do it, and how to avoid em. So if get hung up again, it's usually not because I do not know what's going on.

That is not to say that I may never falter again. But I will do my best to make sure it does not ever happen again.

*If you think you need help with addiction of any sort, or you wonder if you may be addicted to social, or sexual situations, feel free to message me (derekzielinski@hotmail.com), or message someone who you trust. Ask them to help you get the right info, or professional council. It is never to late.  

Our Iniquity Kills

I forgot where I first heard the explanations in the difference between Sin, and Iniquity. But once I heard it, it stuck inside my head and made itself clear. Sadly, sometimes only clear when I have to backtrack and know what it is I would be asking forgiveness for.

Sin; (noun) - an offense against religious or moral law, a transgression of the law of God.
(verb,) - to commit and offense or fault.

Iniquity; (noun) - gross injustice, a wicked act or thing.

If you notice the latter. Iniquity seems to hold an even heavier explanation of meaning than sin. As it was explained to me; Sin is something we do either the first time, or something we do that we are unaware is against God and our relationship with Him. Iniquity, is something that we are consciously doing, knowing full well that God does not approve. Hence the wording 'gross & wicked.'

When we get caught up in addiction, depending on the type, and the frame of mind, I believe most things we end up doing start out as mere Sin. Most of the time we are unaware that what we are doing goes against a bigger plan, or someone personally. We are so distracted at the newness or high that we get, we do not notice that we have wronged someone. But then it switches. Someone points out what it is we are doing wrong and gives our action a name. They tell us that we have sinned. Our actions have wronged someone or something, and they should be discontinued as so.

So we are left with the choice; discontinue our actions and try to walk straight, or ignore the facts and continue to do what it was that we were doings. If we choose to do as we please, and we repeat the actions again, or over and over, our sin has now become an iniquity. We are now consciously choosing to do what makes us happy with no regard to others. We continue to disrespect and offend the moral code that is ingrained in all of us. And I believe that is where the definition of 'wicked' comes from. It is a wicked deed, to do as we please with no regard to others, even after we have been told it is not the right way, or the proper way, or the productive way, etc.

In addiction, there eventually comes a point when you realize that what you are doing is not healthy, whatever the case of addiction may be. It is at this point when I believe we realize our Sin. The thing we have been choosing to put our time, and efforts into first and foremost, has become the ruler and king over our life, and all else is forced to follow. So we must make adjustments, and come to the understanding of what it is that got us here, and how do we fix it.

Now during the process of restoration and rehabilitation we will be faced with many temptations. Especially if what you choose as your new king, or purpose, or higher power is something of the Faith. The devil knows how to push your buttons, and knows what he can say to make you think about it.
- Will one more go REALLY hurt you that bad?
- Do you think anyone will REALLY know whats going on?
- Will you REALLY get caught again?Sometimes too, it is not even the devil we have to worry about. It is our own flesh. Our Body. We are connected to them until we die. And through all the creating time we put into fabricating our addiction, our bodies have grown accustomed to getting what it wants. So when we decide to stop, it gets pissed, and begins to argue with us like a sleepy toddler who wants more candy.

So this is the crossroad. This is where sin becomes iniquity. At the point when we KNOW that what we are about to do will not be an action that our Higher Power will agree with. Nor is it something that they have asked us to do. In fact it will go against what they are asking us to do. So therefore, we are directly saying "My way is better and it is what I want, I know you do not approve, But I am going to do it anyway." Thus we are now participating in a wicked deed.

-Our Families ask us to stop doing drugs, or drinking because it hurts them to see us killing ourselves. Yet we take notice, and drink or drug away anyway. We realize our addiction to drugs and drinking is our sin, but our continue to do so is our iniquity.
-Our Spouse asks us to come home when work is scheduled to be done, yet we work hours on hours of overtime to make that paycheck even larger, ignoring their request. We realize our addiction to making money is our sin, yet we chase it anyway, and our iniquity is born.
-Our Pastor tells us pornography and adult themed books and movies will destroy our relationships. We realize this is our sin against our partner, and our iniquity follows as we ignore the advice.
-God himself tells us to have no other god or idol before him. Our pursuit of money, fame, sex, wealth, honor, relationship, status, popularity, or that next high, has become all we live for. Our sin is realizing we put these things in front of God. Keeping them continually in front of our relationship with Him, is our iniquities.

So how do we Stop?

Seek Help! Get council. Get an accountability partner or group. Talk to someone about our issues that can help deal with them and overcome them.

Next, Repent! Ask for Forgiveness, then turn away from what it is that causes us to continue in sin in such manner. Again, seeking council will help to achieve this.

Finally, understand and accept Love and Grace. Two major characteristics of God, Jesus and the Spirit. Everything that is given to us, is done so in Love. And by the death on the cross, Jesus extended Grace to us. Favor to our lives, that we may live for Him and He be glorified, because He died the way we should have.


*addiction is not something given to us. it is something we create in ourselves. we choose to continue to chase something, make it habitually regular, and give it power over our lives. if something has primary rule over your life outside of God, it is unhealthy, and if continued will destroy everything you have. we should love ourselves enough to quit, and thank God for everything.

You're In Your Own Way

It has been said over, and over and over again throughout churches, ministries, movements, concerts, movies, music, and all things based on Faith, "You do not need to get right first, too be accepted by Jesus."

I have this thought pop into my head a fair amount lately. I also seem to think about it on the other hand as well. What do we need to do to allow Jesus and the Spirit to work through us? As I sit and listen to numerous Pastors, and so many other speaker types repeat from their podium, "Jesus loves you as is, and you do not need to get right for Him to accept you," I can't help but think, "I have accepted this, and I believe in Jesus. Why can I not see Him work through me?" And I do not mean, "oh but He is, you spread inspiration among your friends and fellow believers." I mean, can non believers see the difference between myself and those who do not know, or believe. Why do we not see people like myself, and my friends, and other faith filled individuals doing exactly what it is Jesus said we should be doing. By should I mean in a direct, and indirect way. What we "should" because He tells us too, and what we "should" cause He expects us too.

As I dwell on this thought I think about the Bible. All of the stories from the Exile, to the Flood. The Profits. The Kings. The Apostles. The final days and Revelation. All of these stories and more are filled with normal, lower to middle class, everyday people, who just allowed themselves to be a tool, an outlet, or a weapon for God.

All of the people who play the lead in the telling of our history, minus Jesus, are everyday humans. Born of man and woman, cursed by sin, tempted by the world, and yet, all of them did amazing things for God. At the same time as well, they all failed, they all disobeyed, they all did selfish things. They were human. But God worked in their lives in amazing ways. He used them greatly. How?

Stemming back to the initial statement I wrote, but adding to it: "As believers, You do not need to get everything right first, before God can work through you!" All we need to do, is submit . . . go figure.

* This is not an excuse to live recklessly and  full of sin, and expect God to approve and still work through us.

Through all of the garbage, through all of the pain, through all of the addiction, through all of the darkness. Through anything, a Light will shine. As long as He has an outlet, He can work. You, are an outlet. I, am an outlet. We, are His outlets.

It is hard to believe all of this. In this miserable, impatient, aggravated, tired, busy, selfish, self centered shell of person I can be at times, God can still work. When I am super high on life, when I am happy about my days, when I am so distracted by what it is I have to do that day, God can still work. At any time of any day of any hour, through all of the "stuff" I have in me and attached to me, He can still work. As long as I open myself to submitting to Him.

I want to see blind gain site, the mute talk, the deaf hear, the paralyzed stand up and walk, the diseased be released from their sickness. May I be so bold to say, I want to see the deceased awake from their slumber. I want to be the voice for the words God wants people to hear. I want to see the visions that He would have me share. I want to be fearless. So what is it that is stopping all of this from happening?

Me.

I am too busy worrying about Me. What I should be doing next, or what I need to adjust to allow God to be able to work through me. I am always thinking I am never good enough to be a good, respectable, representation for Jesus. The one I claim and put my Faith in. I feel like I am always carrying too much stuff that will be in His way while trying to work in my life. And let His Glory be shown.

The Fact is, I am the one who is putting that stuff there. I am the one focused on it. Not Jesus. He wants to carry that burden for me. He says so, so many times in His teachings. The psalmists echoed this before Jesus said it Himself. "His yoke is easy, His burden is light."

"You do not need to get right first, to be accepted by Jesus, nor do you have to be right first, to see Jesus move in your life." The key is, submission. Submit to Him, and let him carry my burdens, so that I may be His hands and feet, His arms and legs, His words and ears. So that I may be his weapon against the one who aims to keep us distracted. The more I submit to Him, the more He will help me overcome what it is that binds me. And He will help me become more like Him, and less like the world.

Accept, Submit, and Build Relationship, Not Religion.

Whoremonger

We all draw influence from somewhere. For me, I get a lot of my influence, and motivation from music. For the last 5 years, one of the main bands I have had in constant rotation has been Sleeping Giant. They are a Faith based Hardcore group, and I can never say enough about their music. Both lyrically and musically, I never get tired of them. I think in all honesty, I have broken down to more the two-thirds of all their songs. Every message in there songs tears straight to the heart.

The lead vocals are done by Tommy Green. Tommy has a testimony for the song I am going to share, that I could never imagine. In fact it was in an interview with Radio U Hardcore out of Ohio, that I was able to hear him speak about it. The band had just released their freshman album "Dread Champions of the Last Days." In the interview they would talk about the songs they were about to play, and where the influence and story behind them came from. When they got to the song "Whoremonger," something struck a chord with me. Tommy was speaking openly, about his previous struggles he had with sex, as well as an affair that would change his life forever.



After listening to his testimony, and hearing the dynamic sound and lyrics of Sleeping Giant, I have been a fan ever since. And almost every day I play something of their's. Below I have posted the lyrics for "Whoremonger," for you to read in the poetic-esk form. Then beneath that is the song itself without video. If you have a moment, just watch the testimony above, read the lyrics as the story they are, then listen to the song and follow along with the lyrics.

Sleeping Giant: Whoremonger

Witness to a youthful lust

Who made the same mistake
Guess he didn't know
Didn't know it would cost him everything he'd make
Spied that young one through my window,
On the subtle path
He didn't know the loss
He couldn't see the cost
Gonna cost him everything

Now he can't find
Now he dont understand why
But you see
Cause you cheat, and think that you're free, but you know
Now he can't find his way
Will someone please come, please come and take it away
Before it's to late

Wave, Goodbye
She'll kill you with a smile
And slit your throat, with a wink of her eye
Why, a brutal heart for a lie
I was that man once, I tell you I'd rather die (Die)

He can't just see why
He doesn't see the truth
And you know, cause it feels so good, it takes away you
Now Disciples would you rise
I know there is sin you despise, will you let it go?
Now wave goodbye to your friends, and live like it's so

Now he can't find
Why can't he see?
Won't you stop him now? Won't you reach out? Won't you do something please?
I guess you too busy to see
It brings a real friend to say no, In the face of your own Identity.
Please stop him someone

Wave, Goodbye
She'll kill you with a smile
And slit your throat with a wink of her eye
Why, a brutal heart for a lie
I was that man once, I tell you I'd rather die 

I was! I was that man once
I'd rather die (DIE)
Now can't you understand why
I only got one heart
And it's the wellspring of life (LIFE)
Why, oh why will you die?
Give your heart to one love (JESUS CHRIST)
You can change this all now, You can let it go, And walk into the light
Please leave this darkness behind

Now
You'll finally know your own mind, you can't run this time
Desperate to rest, in the peace of the light
I'll be kneeling there, right by your side
Battering hell and I declare tonight.

Hell Relinquish Your Hold On My Sons!
Hell Relinquish Your Hold On My Sons!




I will continually say it over and over, Sexual Addiction is a real issue. If you feel like you may be struggling with it to any degree, Please - Call someone. A friend, A sibling, A councilor, Anyone, and tell them you want help, before you, or someone you know, or don't know, end up in a tough spot.

Let Us Have Another

I am very happy to say that one year has passed since I began the path to understanding and recovering from my personal issues and addictions. An interesting walk it has been.

While in Council the other day, I was talking about the way I feel now in contrast to the way I felt when I first started out. When I first started, I was down. Not just meaning I was sad, but I was legitimately down. My jobs were gone. My relationship was it's last filament, and I was really confused on why all of this kept happening. Today, I feel much better about myself. I feel like I understand more about what was going on and what was causing it.  But I also understand I am no where close to calling myself fully healed.

It is still an everyday corrective process. I have to train myself to think and act differently. I have to be conscious of things around me and the situations I am in, so that the things that used to set me off or trigger the actions of myself can now be processed and ignored. Conversations or jokes can be squashed before they gain  leverage and turn in the wrong direction.

It is tough. When dealing with a self created addiction to something that is created by your own body, it can be tough a lot of the times. The oddest things can get your brain going. Images, fragrances, places, signs, movies, music. All of these things can serve as triggers to set off a memory, or a thought once had. But like my council helps me to understand, I cannot exactly get rid of these memories. I spent years creating them. What I can do is deal with them as they arise.

Instead of entertaining them and staying in a dream state. I shut them down, or stop them from playing. I think of something else, or I focus attention elsewhere. Kind of like dealing with a skipping record or cd. Just cut to the next track. But it can be very tough because my mind is selfish. It wants to be entertained. It wants to be satisfied. And the body gets in agreement to try and make it happen. So the fight then becomes harder.

For me, this is where I have to turn to my Faith. I pray for help to overcome the want to entertain the thoughts. Then I ask for the connection to be cut off. To be disconnected from me so it will lose it's strength and power altogether.

It may sound kooky, but it works.

The pulsing rise and fall of the passion I have for my Faith get's aggravating more times than not. It is there always. My belief does not change. But I do however wish to know more. I wish that I would not be so lazy and just be passive about it. I have been called to be strong and firm in it. To be true. And yet, I fall short often. And I tend to stay there for a while.

But I know inside that it is in fact my Faith in Christ, and His love for me that has kept me moving. I know that He has been with me the whole way til this point. I also know He will be with me as I move forward more, and I am excited for that. I believe that there are a lot of good things starting to take shape around My Lady and I, and all of those around us. I am looking forward to sharing a lot of it as well.

So here is to the year gone by, and all of the rocks, and ditched, and cliffs, and valleys, and hills and what not's that were thrown in the way. As much as I hated them while they were happening, I am glad they have taught me the things they have. I am also happy to share them with you . . . Thanks for reading em.

One Year Down, Next Year in Motion

It's a bit weird, when I look back to the start of this road to recovery. I was not that long ago.  I will be coming up on One Year this month. It is not like other recoveries, where I celebrate (x) amount of time sober. At least I can"t see the comparison being the same. I guess you could say I am one year wiser? One year more knowledgeable? Maybe say I am one year clean from jeopardizing my life, in destructive manors and inappropriate behaviors? I dunno. What I do know is that I am happier. I feel good about things, and I am looking forward to more learning and sharing.

Should be Creating

I have been having issues with my mind. Art blocks. Writer blocks. Thought blocks. Things that make me slow down my moving forward. For whatever set amount of time. Could be a few hours. Could be a few days. Could be a year or more. Depending on topic. Depending on importance. Depending on life. It all has a breakdown. It all has to be broke down. But I get it, and I am still trying to figure how to get past it.

I feel like there has been a vice on my creativity process. I cannot get anything to get me motivated enough to create. Draw, Paint, Design. None of these are appealing to me at the moment. That is not a good thing, because by nature I am an Artist. It's what I have been gifted to do. Among other things. But Art is what I do for a living as well as for personal interest. So I need to keep creating so I will keep advancing.

I try to write, or journal, or blog. Nothing comes out. And when it does it is all jumbled and scatter brained. My focus is not there. I have the ideas in my head. I see the way they should come out. But they come out more like loose references and brainstorming instead of sentences and paragraphs.

I read different books and articles. Two or three times in a row at one sitting. Simply because my brain is not processing the readings. I am scanning the page, looking over the words. I am not however taking in the words and processing the story. So I catch myself, stop whatever it is I am thinking about and start over. And another time. And another time.

This occurs more than I enjoy. I know I will get out of it. I have to. It is my job to create. It is my mission to create. It is my gift to create. I just need to do it. It can be hard when you are your own worse critic, and the doodles you start out with look more like useless lines in your own view.

People are more interested in why your creating, than what your creating. But if you are not making a creation, you will have no reason to talk, nor a why to talk about in the first place.

Advice I gave to a friend of mine in his apprenticeship: "You should be creating something right now!"

Asked

I was recently asked an interesting question:

"When you opened up your blog about your struggles, did you receive emails or messages from others that were dealing with similar things?"

Kindly, I responded, "No."

Then I began to describe why I think that is.

The issues I began my blog about tend to be a sensitive subject for most. It is not like many other things that seem to be as publicly known or accepted. But all the same, it is a topic as I have described before, and I believe more people deal with on a regular basis than they know.

When I first searched out for someone to talk to about this, the first thing I looked into was a program that would be somewhat like Alcoholics Anonymous. It only made sense that this would be the right step to go in. So I began a search on the internet only to come up with short supply. There were two meetings listed in my area. One was located an hour and forty five minutes south of me. The other, twenty five minuted north. There was also a listing for a meeting in the city where I currently live, but the page had not been updated in a while and those meetings had since ended.

After attending a meeting and seeing the environment, I did not believe that it was the way I was going to overcome. So I began to try and search for a personal council. After a day or two worth of searching around online, I found a site that listed three councils familiar with my issues in my area. But having the same Faith I did was important to me. So I searched more. I found one, and it took me almost two days to do it. Why that long?

Sexual Addiction is not something most councils deal with I guess. Not to say some won't be able to help, but why settle for that and not just get someone who knows and studies the certain subjects, and can help your on a personal level? Especially when they are of the same Faith, and can teach you to be strong in that as well. It will help overcome.

Sending out something like emails or messages to anyone saying that you struggle with addiction is tough. Type the words council for addiction into any search engine, and your zip code, and most likely the links will send you in directions for narcotics, alcohol, eating, shopping and gambling. But not too many others. If you were to type in Sexual Addiction, you may get a page or two that will guide you somewhere. No guarantee though that it will be somewhere close to you, or even in driving range.

So what is the point of this all?
The reason to the answer I gave above: I do not believe I get much email or messages on this topic is because people may not know how to approach someone when they are struggling with these types of problems. They may not even know they have a problem. It takes a lot, (sometimes losing everything,) to message someone, text someone, call someone, or even just verbally say "I think I need help." In doing so one puts them self out there in the open, and who knows the return they will get. That is Vulnerability, and it is very uncomfortable.

As brothers and sisters, we should be able to talk to one another anytime. Especially when we may need help with something. No matter how large or small it may be. Someone close to each of us could feel so far away, and it could all be as simple as asking them how they are, and actually listening.

Of a Phrase

I recently posted a short phrase the popped into my head. It reads;

It's not a matter of "I cannot,"
It's a matter of "I don't care."

When I wrote this comment, it was in sight of a lot of things I have been becoming aware of lately. From my recent lifestyle changes, to my Faith, to my overcoming addictions. This commentary was just as much a part of my life as it is anyone else's. Not to say I am so self righteous that I figured it did not matter to me. But almost immediately after I had posted this, I was sure someone was going to throw it right back at me, to the tune of "Well I guess you just did't care about your family all those years of being drunk, high, or unfaithful." I was right too. But it wasn't just anyone that said it to me. It was me saying it.

I said this too myself. Internally. So with that, I began a quick overview of myself. From when I was an alcoholic for the better part of five years, to when I was doing drugs for the better part of two years, or every time I was unfaithful to any of the relationships I was in. I would say "I cannot stop cause..." But it wasn't that I could not stop being that way. It was that I did not care to stop.

Now right off the top, this may seem a bit wrong. But after further thoughts on it, I realized this; I did not care about Myself. I did not care about Myself enough to stop. I cared about the people around me, and the people who were a part of my life. I myself was just emotionally detached from them, or so I thought. I noticed I actually did care, sometimes more than I expected. I would just turn it off while around them. Why? Because it made me vulnerable.

Showing emotion, and showing a true love and concern was not something I portrayed very well, unless it was to my advantage. Too this day I still believe that I am not nearly as good as I would like to be. But during these stages of my life I hated me. When I had a job, I worked hard. I worked efficiently, and I worked as much as possible. I did not want downtime. It left me to think about me. When I drank, I drank hard and heavy. Dark Lagers by the pint, and brown liquors by the glass. I wanted to escape the drab feelings about myself. The feelings of not fitting in, not being noticed. The feeling that I didn't belong.

When I first did drugs, it was simply out of curiosity. No real peer pressure. My group that I spent time with actually did drugs for a little while before I even thought about it. But one weekend, while away at a festival, I gave it a whirl. Then for the next few months, it was a here and there thing. Then it was a weekend thing. That lead to trying different drugs. Ecstasy, and Cocaine ended up being the regulars. Then it was just Cocaine. Usually paired in a night of heavy drinking. Why did I do these? It wasn't really to fit in. The curiosity was just because I mainly wanted to see what the fuss was about. But my enjoyment of energy sparked a hook with Cocaine. I don't consider myself to have been a drug addict, but I would say it was a more than recreational thing for a short time. Again though, I did not like me. But the drugs made me feel like the center of the party. Even if I was in the other room by myself. Or if I was in front of the stage or tents with thousands around, they made me feel like something. Until they wore off. Then it was an even heavier downfall than when I was sober.

The relationship issues are a deeper concern. I still have not really dove down deep enough to explain how they first got started. Or even why I found it normal to treat them as a casual experience. I was always on the hunt for the next hook up. The next associate. From time to time I did have a "Girlfriend," but my actions spoke otherwise. What was I searching for? Why did I not care enough to stop doing any of these? Why did I not care about me?

During my council sessions I do a lot of talking. Sometimes it's just me rambling on about life that is going on right now. Which is good because it can show progress. But sometimes it's just me beating around the bush, and my Councilor calls me out on that. God Bless him! But other times we do talk about some deeper rooted things. How am I really doing? What has been going on inside my life? My thoughts and struggles? What is causing them? How am I doing spiritually? How is my Faith with God? What do I need to do to get closer to my goals, and away from what causes my downfalls? All these plus others are abrupt reminders, and direct questions that force me to think. To think, and not always get an answer right away. Which is okay by the way. Something I am learning is that we do not always need an immediate answer. Less the wifey asks you something, then most times you need to answer, and do it intelligently and with love!

It has taken me a while, but I am learning to enjoy myself, and love me for me. To love the way I was created. To love the family I have, and the friends I have. It starts most of the time with a very hard task. That is to admit it. Admit we are struggling. Admit we need help. Admit we cannot do it by ourselves.

I did not overcome alcoholism by myself. I did it with the help God, who years back introduced me to a little girl who needed me to be a responsible adult, and also opened a doorway to a career opportunity I had been waiting for. I did not overcome drug use by myself. I know now that God influenced a group of us to join together and say we had to stop, it was deteriorating our lives, and our friendships. I did not overcome irresponsible dating and unfaithfulness by myself. God opened doors and introduced me too love from a woman that would never give up on me. With her stubbornness to not quit, and her refusal to be another statistic family. She believed in me from the start. She stood by me even when everyone else told her to get out. She LOVED me, and showed me that I was lovable. Showed me that I needed to Love myself. For us. For our son. For Me. That is what I am learning to do. Everyday.

It is because I Care about myself enough now, that I can care about others more. I can be an example. I can be a Leader. I can be vulnerable. I can be Me. It's an ever evolving process.

Questions and Notes

How far away from God are you Comfortable in being?
What is keeping you that far away?
What will it take to get past that and get closer to God?

Belief in yourself will be your Anchor!
Faith in something will be your Strength!
Relationship with God will be your Path!

The name just plain sucks . . .

This will be an add with hopes to further understand what I already have written previously, Read Here .

The question I pose is this; Why condemn someone who is open and understanding about this addiction, and choose to use it to be held above there head, when in fact, you too may look in the mirror and be guilty of some of these same things. Regardless of the level of addiction. Regardless of how many or how few you may participate in. You too the reader may also have some slight, or major form of Sexual Addiction.

The subject has come arise in many more than a few conversations as of late. Never on my end though. The name "Sexual Addiction" seems to be misunderstood, and rightfully so. The title alone is not very flattering. In society today it will almost make you cringe.

Sexual Addiction! What are you some playboy that just has sex with whatever comes your way?

The conversation is never on my end unfortunately. So I usually do not get the chance to explain further. It always comes through a third party. Usually the aggressor using the term "Sex Addiction" or "Sex Addict" in a negative manor. Or as a pun, or justification for their own self righteousness. At first I would find it very aggravating. But now I just feel bad for the person on that end. The misunderstanding of what Sexual Addiction is. Not even taking the time to absorb the little bit I have posted about it, that I have come to understand and share. Or look up info on it themselves.

With the knowledge of the offensiveness in the name Sexual Addiction, I add to the title when speaking about it personally. I refer to it as Sexual Addiction and Social Anxiety Issues. Mainly because these two coexist when speaking about the struggles I face. The hunt for that feeling of being wanted, accepted, loved and the addiction to chemical release generated inside the brain when achieving a high cause by sexual thoughts, actions and/or encounters, usually paired with or used to achieve the prior. But most people still do not get this. They think "Sex" and "Addiction" and think I am and have always been running around on my lady.

Things that I have read about that have also been classified under "Sexual Addiction;" Frequent Pornography, Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, Empty Affairs, Use of Prostitution, Frotteurism, Cybersex, Chronic Masturbation or Self Gratification, Obsessive Sexual Thoughts, etc. All of these can be considered Sexual Addiction. Just the same, almost two thirds of them are accepted as "Normal" in our society today.

Pornography and Strip Clubs make for some of the highest profits in the world. But watching porn or going to the gentleman's club is just as accepted and normal as having lunch at the mall or turning on the tv. So much so, that most people that participate are guilty of entertaining these things at work, in traffic on their phones, in school. Children of any age can access Pornographic or close too it materials just by logging on to their social networking sites. No definite ID required.

Then there is the recreational relationships. The ones that start with sex and end with emptiness. Or on the flip side, end with sex (with someone else.) We almost never call someone out for having an addiction when they are always with someone new every time we see them. Never any downtime between. Never any wait for it to happen. It is always Go Go GO. When this fails, on to the next. Sex on the first date is the new first base of old. If your not sleeping together by the end of the month, there may be something wrong with you. You move to slow. Or so it is said.

Cybersex. That word isn't even used anymore it seems. Again, just by "logging on" to whatever social media site you choose, you will be subject to someones sexual thoughts, actions, pictures, videos and links, whether you want to be or not. And when in the mood, most people want to be. Entertaining these thoughts through video and sounds. Type it on the screen and watch them do it on the other end. Sexting? Sure. Seems to be a regular practice now days, with the rate of it rising among teens and even preteens. Skype? of coarse. How bout Skype naked? It is probably more frequent than we think.

Beyond all these there are still the hot buttons. Pedophilia, Prostitution, Public Exhibitionism, Frotteurism, Sadism and Masochism. These all still seemed to be unaccepted in everyday society. If found guilty of any of them you are sure to get some stares and backlash.

That name is Awful. I do not think it will ever be accepted.

Hi, I am so and so, and I am a Recovering Alcoholic; Congratulations, Good for You!
Hi, I am so and so, and I am a Recovering Drug Addict; Awesome, Good for You!
Hi, I am so and so, and I am a Recovering Gambler; That's Great, Good for you!
Hi, I am so and so, and I am a Recovering Food Addict; Fantastic, Good for you!
Hi, I am so and so, and I am Recovering from OCD; Wonderful, Good for you!

Hello, I am so and so. I am Recovering from Sexual Addiction; . . . ?

More than Drawings

I have recently put myself in a position to create, often. Everyday to be exact. I call the project 35in35. The name is suitable, mainly because I started it 35 days before the end of the year. But the point of the project was not a quirky name. The point was to force myself into a project that will make me progress in multiple aspects of what I do. "A swift, self boot to the ass," as my council says.

The project idea started out as part of a planned 40 day fast. I was aiming to purposely put myself on the path back to meditation, and relation with Jesus. But just shortly before the fast began, My Lady and I came to the decision that is was not the best time to fast. Granted, the point of a fast is to let go of what distracts you from God and put yourself into what draws you near to Him. But in our case, our life was not in position to pull away from. So instead, I set myself up in a position to create. To use what God has given me as a gift, and do some good with it.

The project has been a success so far. I am about 15 days till the finish. I am very much enjoying the journey. It has been a public venture, which gives me accountability. It has been a great use to me in learning to increase my imagination and abilities to create, and replicate. Finally, it has given me time to relax, and just enjoy doing something I was created to do.

Almost ninety five percent of the time I have my headphones on. This was a stipulation I personally gave myself. If I was not going to fast, I was definitely going to increase the intake of Jesus somehow. So before I started out, I downloaded almost forty podcasts from iTunes. The main ones coming from Willow Creek Community Church, and Passion City Church. To say the least, I am absolutely happy with these two Ministries. The ability to be guided by the spirit, and share the full, deep down, submarine-esk level of scripture on a personal level is amazing. These Pastors are blessed. As I am blessed to be able to study them.

Zoning out on a drawing project really does keep me relaxed. The Podcasts are my daily fill of the word. Along side my random readings and music I follow. The whole process is very enjoyable. But this whole project can become a distraction, strong enough to make me forget the issues I am trying to overcome. Only if I let it.

I still keep tabs on myself. I still make a conscious effort everyday to remember the problems I have dealt with. I have created a system with My Lady to keep me in check when it comes to some decision making. Not because I need a baby sitter, but because I care about her enough to want her to know that she is a part of all that I do.

A pastor I had lunch with a few months back explained something interesting to me. Something I had heard before, but not told this way. He first hit me with a question, followed by a "Don't worry, I had trouble answering it too." He asked me this: "What does God want for your Life?"

After I offered a few choices and a few fumbles, he explained to me the answer. In accordance to scripture, the Apostle Paul lays it out. God's will for your life is for you to be Sanctified. Break down Sanctified, and it means to be Holy. To be holy is to be a character of God. To be in relationship with him as close as a parent to his child. This all starts to happen when you let go and believe in Jesus. As scripture states "The old passes away, and all becomes new." A new Life, a new creation, a new heart. All of it in Christ who is our connection to God.

So where am I going with this? Well with this transformation through surrender, One is given a refreshed and new heart. A spirit guided heart no longer guided by the world. Because before the belief, everything that I did seemed Natural, and Normal to do. In doing all this I made an addiction out of what seemed normal. Scripture states that the human heart is wicked and selfish, and allows you into temptation. But when you receive the new heart and spirit, you are totally new! No longer guided by the Natural, but now guided by the unconditional, non explainable, supernatural.

So now that this new is in Me, I no longer naturally do sinful things of the old heart. I Choose to do them . . . ignoring the new spiritual heart.

When my pastor friend explained this to me. I sat there stunned. It is a humbling punch in the stomach. Because it's true. After you change your self, making the decisions I used to make would make me sick. Literally I would feel gross inside. But the more I decided to ignore that feeling, the more selfish I became, the more I made a callus to it. Eventually not feeling anything at all. But now, especially after hearing this reminder of renewal, and how it is not a natural thing, but a decision I make to do what I do, I am aiming to be aware of it. I am aiming to try and follow God's path, and not decide to follow the human path.

It was not God that lead me into the wilderness this time, It was Myself who chose My path, and say that I had it all under control, and He could come hang out if He wanted too.

This project has started to reconnect me to a bunch of things. I am connecting to my faith again. I am creating discipline in myself again. I am using my gifts that God has blessed me with create and share my stories.

In doing all this I am becoming more motivated for more change. To be a better Lover, a better Father, a better Friend, and a better Servant, I feel Happy about that!

A2B

As I continue forward in my journey of overcoming my addictions, I begin to feel better about the path I am taking. Not yet near anywhere I aim to be, but for sure headed away from where I was. Each week is a conversation with my councilor on how things have been, understanding my addiction, how have I been feeling and how do we walk another step towards where I aim to be.

One of the things we established in prior weeks was a goal. "Where do I ultimately want to be in my Life." Meaning career, family, and purpose. After a few weeks of trying to find where I want to be inside of me, I came to a decision. I ultimately aim to be a motivational Father, a dynamic Husband, a successful Businessman, and an Influential Artist. I want to Love my life, and all of the people in it. Regardless of whatever it is they do and are. I want to be the teacher, the leader, the friend that God wants me to be. As cliche as all of these answers sound. They are true. They are goals that I have begun to aim for. It was not always this way.

I never really had any direction that I wanted to go in for my life. "One day at a time," I used to tell myself. But there was no ambition in that. It was more like a hidden, "Wake up and do what you know unless something more interesting happens to be taking place, then do that instead." I never looked to the future. Never really set goals that were big. My biggest goals were to finish the week with a big paycheck, go out and have a blast on the weekend, find someone to hang out with and form some sort of relationship with. Minor things that took me nowhere.

My first ambitious goal was shortly after I began getting tattooed. I would spend my free time outside of my job with the artists that were in the shop I was getting tattooed at. Every week I would be at the studio at least four days a week. Drawing, hanging out, talking about whatever. It wasn't until one day, about three months or so after I started spending time with them all, that one of the artist, a dude named Jimmie, walked by and said to me, "Your drawings are pretty good man, you ever think about tattooing?" To which I replied "Not Really."

We talked some more about it, along with the other artists in the room. They began to tell me about the industry and how it is awesome to be able to do something you love for a living. But the weird thing was, I was already doing something I enjoyed. I was a cook. Nothing fancy, just short order line cook at a sports bar and grill. But I liked it a lot. After having that conversation that day, I would have to say it was the first time I think I ever made a goal for something I wanted to do. I stuck to it. It took me almost two years but I eventually landed an apprenticeship, and traveled nine hours to another state to get it.

You would think that would have motivated me to make some more ambitious goals in my life. But sad to say, it didn't. I just cruised along with it like all the rest of my jobs. Going with the flow. "One day at a time." Even after I changed my beliefs, and my Faith. Nothing. Just a job, just a social connection, just another thing I wanted to do.

After about four years in, I began to abuse the fact that my job is a social atmosphere. I also abused the connections you can make with the customers, and the privacy issues that come with certain situations in this industry. I am not proud of any of it. I wasn't proud then either, I just did not have focus on it, nor did I understand what it was I was struggling with. So I really didn't pay any attention to the destruction I was ultimately creating.

Fast forward through the wreckage I have described in prior blogs. I have now starting making Goals for myself. I am slowly building the plans and taking the Steps needed to achieve these goals. My councilor helps me understand what it is I have been going through, and what it is that effects the decision making. He also explains how I need to move forward away from it, and overcome it.

My career: I am an artist. Its what I love and what I am passionate for. So set goals and create an external force that will keep me focused. Projects that must be done by certain dates for art shows. Market myself cause nobody will know your there if you do not advertise it.

My Family: Be a good spouse. Pray for her, Pray with her. Be active, Be open, Be True. Learn with and from one another. Love her like she deserves. Be a great dad. Be active with him, teach him, play games, hang out, spend time with him. Show him you care, show him he is loved. Be a good Friend. Shut your mouth every once and a while and listen to what they have to say. Be there for them when they need it. Open your life to them. Love them as they are, not what they should be. Be a good brother and a good son. Love them as your parents and siblings. Share your stories with them, and listen to there. Tell them you love them, show them you love them. Pray for ALL of them. Bless them within your means and be blessed by it.

Each step towards success is a step you MUST take ON PURPOSE. Each step may not lead in the right direction, but the apostle Paul talks about his journey to the prize in all of his letters. He tries to go here, he tries to go there, he tries to preach here, he tries to teach there and continually gets stopped by forces he cannot control. But it is those blockages that lead him to a path that allows him to continue doing what he was meant to do. Each door closed makes him learn more patience. Makes him sharpen his focus. Makes him see what direction it is that he is supposed to go in and allows him to learn more about that way. Makes him become the man God wanted him to be.

The path to success is never straight, ever!

7:1 Ratio

There is a verse in scripture where Jesus speaks about chasing a negative spirit from ones home, but never filling the home with a new, fresh, positive something. Leaving the home wide open, or filling it with nonsense only to allow seven new spirits to take the place of the one chased away prior.

I spoke to my councilor about this during our last session. I starting thinking about how it made sense to me in context of my life now. When I made the decision to change my life and do my best to follow Jesus, I was forgiven. But I was not completely OK. Although I had the new drive and ambition to learn and follow God, I still had some hang ups that I would always deal with. Through time, these hang ups would start to weaken, and with hope, disappear. This proved to be true with such common things that I had an addiction to in my personal life. Alcohol, Social Acceptance, Sexual Situations, and the artificial connection(s) made by all of them. The more time I spent with God and living the life he was playing out for me, the less attention I used on my destructive behavior.

I was getting ready to leave Georgia, and go back to my parents place in South Florida. Coming off a rough relationship and some stress put on myself, by myself, at work. I wanted out of there. So I found a job, packed my personal stuff that fit in my car and I left. I was back in Florida, where I grew up, but now with the new motivation for change. Powered by my new beliefs and promise of Faith. The only problem was, I brought myself with me. Even though I was motivated for change, the people I chose to surround myself with seemed to care less. Some were happy for me, or at least said they were, but all in all, Florida was the same old Florida I had left the first time. We were all just a few years older now. Everyone I knew still went to the same bars all week. Still went to the same parties each month. Still had the same style life we always had, just with a new job or new other person, or new family.

This began to weigh on me a bit. I still Prayed and Studied and read my Bible and tried to follow my path. But truth be told, my efforts were half there. I did not reach out, or seek connection. I was back in my comfort zone. Back where I knew people and they knew me. Back where everyone remembered the Derek that went out all night, drank till morning, had a new girl each couple weeks. All that nonsense. I made halfway attempts to go to church. The service where I was attending was good. I just wasn't there. My heart wasn't in it. It was about two months after I came back, while I was out at the bar with a bunch of people I knew, I clearly remember saying to myself, and in ways saying to God "I'm DONE. I Quit."

Not the Quit and surrender yourself to Him, The kind of quit where I said I was done with trying to chase God around and try to be something he wanted me to be. I wanted to feel enjoyed again. I wanted to feel accepted and not uncomfortable. So I started drinking socially, and eventually every other night again. Then every night again. With the drinking came the flirting, and with the flirting came the girls. Next thing I knew, I was the Derek everyone knew and expected. That's right the Derek everyone EXPECTED.

I believe when I gave in and said "I quit" to God, I opened up my doors to my house, and allowed seven times the amount of issues I had already tried to deal with, and overcome back in to my life. I allowed myself to be subject to stronger searches for attention. Stronger actions for acceptance. Heavier drinks and a lot of bad decision making. Seven times stronger, seven times tougher.

It wasn't just the girls or the alcohol addiction I was fighting. I was fighting the feeling of being alone. Living at my parents place, being around my brothers, being in a busy tattoo studio, spending every night out with people I called "Friends," none of this helped. All I felt was this empty feeling of uncomplaining and loneliness. After every drinking stint, I would feel like garbage, not from the drunk feeling, it was internal feeling. After every hook up I began to feel like garbage too, because I knew that's not what God had planned for me. I knew I was rebelling. I knew what I was doing was down a path that was not intended for His purpose. I was cheating God. I was destroying myself. I was ignoring the spirit He promises to us, the Councilor, the One that will lead us in truth. I purposely ignored it because I wanted to be satisfied. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be socially in tune again. All at the cost . . .

My growing addiction for attention would eventually get stronger and stronger as time goes on. When it goes unaddressed, it gains more and more strength. You find yourself in the Bigger, Faster, Stronger mentality. Then you apply it to everything you start to do. Anything that happens in repetition. I pissed of more people, offended more stranger, and destroyed more relationships for what? Because of no self control. I did not care. Because I did not believe that I mattered. Because I did not believe that I was good enough in character the way I was. I drank to be social, then I drank to loosen up, then I drank to get drunk, then I drank because it was habitual. If while drinking I did not feel engaged into any ones conversations or scenarios, I would seek new locations to go be a part of. If these failed to be active in feeding my happiness, I would drink until I was drunk enough not to care anymore. Then away we went to sleep it off and start new tomorrow.

Through my endeavors, in and outside of drinking, I would hope to find someone to spark up a conversation, and maybe some form of interaction. Eventually it could sometimes lead to casual hook ups and sometimes relationships. Usually based on physical attraction and actions. There was some attractions to things that did matter, such as personality, motivations, character, ambitions, etc. For me though, that wore off when the physical died down.

The worst part about not paying attention to the Spirit that guides you, or as some people refer to it, your conscience, is that the more you ignore it, the easier it becomes. So what made me feel like crap in the beginning of my downward times, would eventually just be a thought the next morning. Still there, but less potent. It's in these times of quenching that I believe we do the most damage to ourselves. Not only are we ignoring the One true thing that keeps us on track, but we are getting used to it, and becoming cold hearted to it you could say. Paul the apostle warns us about this. He tells us NOT to do that. Do not quench the Spirit. It is the Councilor, the Truth. That means, when the voice inside tells you to do something, DO IT, it is for the love of God.

To many people give to much credit to the devil. He is but one spirit doing one thing at a time. He does have a lot of spirits that work with him and follow his lead, but they are not him. They are but his puppets. Whispering in your ear and hanging out where you allow them too in your life. So when you allow seven times as many back to replace the ones run out earlier. You make it that much more aggravating to get rid of them. So how do you do that? You start to make the house smaller. You close the doors to the outlets that they have been a part of. You change your life, you change your routine, you consciously make better decisions and smarter actions to do what is right by God and not by you. Submit to something greater to you, and stick to it. Quit entertaining them.

Chasing out spirits and cleaning up yourself is not fun either. Brian "Head" Welch in his first book, talked about fighting addiction and addiction spirits. He says: "Fighting your negative spirits is never easy, but you need to do it. They don't always leave quietly either, sometimes cursing and screaming on there way out." This is true. When you shut down the outlets used for your addictive behaviors, your body gets upset with you. For me, my patience went out the window. My temper heats up super easy more times than I like. My selfish ambitions fight back at me as well. I want to buy everything that seems interesting. I want to talk a lot and make sure everyone is paying attention to me. I want to verbally destroy someones character to make me feel better about myself. Things like this.

Because I am closing doors to my negative outlets, they are getting mad, and trying to find new ways to be satisfied. So what now? My councilor gave me some good advice. He said to think back, to when I began getting these thoughts and actions, what do I believe is causing them? Also to think about the longevity of the decisions my body is wanting to make. Do these decisions match up with the decisions God would have me make? What do I feel when these thought come up? After which I look at him and pause, then I tell him I have no clue, cause I never used to pay attention

That's another change I am working on as well.

Recap & Observation

So I did not get any posts up lately. Not because of disregard to my purpose of it. Mainly because of all the outside interruptions that have caused my focus to be elsewhere. I apologize to anyone who is following this journal. If this is your first read on my threads, Thanks for visiting. To better understand what this is all about, please read from the first post back.

It's funny to mention about reading back over the things I have already wrote. I am very happy with what is taking place here. I am happy to share my walk through my struggles and my connection to my faith, and how the two are collaborating. No matter how happy anyone may be, there is always a crowd, or sometimes just a few select, ready to dump on your efforts. I won't go into any details or speak my views on what I feel about certain people, and situations I have come across (Lawyer Recommended), But what I will mention is how entertaining it is when people take cheap shots and use others openness about their struggles to try and make for a good laugh amongst friends.

I mention this because recently I came across a thread on a social network where former associates of my lady and I, decided to have a good laugh amongst each other at our expense. Writing things to the effect of: "Well maybe I will do such and such things, then I will brag online about having a Sex Addiction and just go around bangin' all the people I want!"

I won't lie, it took me a few minutes to actually have a good chuckle about that comment, as well as the few that followed. It was kinda aggravating at first, but then I just realized these words come from upset sources, who must have not read what I write here. But I don't blame anyone for saying what they say either. I have been both questioned, and congratulated for posting this stuff online. But like I say in person as well as what I said in the beginning, I do not write this for self gratification. Nor do I write it to boast about my accomplishments.

So why air these things out online? Why publicly open myself up to these comments or attacks? Because I want to let anyone who reads and may be struggling or knows someone struggling, that there are ways to help this type of addiction. To let people know that the thing they struggle with inside, has a way to be overcome. That faith in something bigger than you, and trust in something that is supernatural, can and will help you get back your life before the addiction overtakes you. Maybe through my writings about my own path, they may find hope or help to take a step towards overcoming theirs.

It is amazing now, how so many different things are considered acceptable by mainstream society. Alcoholism is normal. It is considered a way of life. A weekend spent getting wasted is a normally scheduled weekend event for many people ranging from ages 17-30. Maybe even younger. Drug addiction has become so normal that most people only consider those who depend on narcotics, "actual" addicts. Yet if you were to go to any house in America, there is a good chance you will find some Over-the-Counter meds and quite possibly some sort of anxiety med, diet pill, sleep aids or caffeine substitute. Obesity is a terrible after effect caused by addiction to food. Many try and use some sort of medical excuse as there reason for being Fat, when truthfully, Laziness and Unwillingness to learn most likely accounts for more the 2/3 of it. We become addicted to Instant Meals and Pick and Run style eating, because it fits our schedule better. Media Addiction goes almost completely unnoticed all together.

We wake up, check our emails and messages, go to the bathroom, turn on our music players, shower, eat with the TV on, take our pills for the day, read texts as we drive to work, keep our social network connections running and up to the minute posting while doing our jobs we get paid to do, go to lunch and gossip about whats been happening online, drink an energy drink or $5 coffee, go back to our social network hubs and half ass the rest of our work day, drive home with our music players on high, texting more, hit the drive through for a bite to eat, turn up the "reality" TV while we shower, make some phone calls while we get dressed, crank up the music to get us "in the mood, or out of the mood" while texiting on the way to the bar, then begin to drink the day away!

Some details may be slightly changed depending on the lifestyle, but I believe this is the life we lead, that is unnoticeably soaked in addictions.

What does this have to do with Sexual Addiction?

At any time during these days of mass fulfilment, ask yourself: How many times of the day may I happen to cross a NSFW website or add post? How many Text messages did I send/receive that had some Sexual Innuendo or straight up Sexual Content or Photos? How many songs did I listen to today, and possibly sing along too, involve lyrics connected with sexual acts or hooking up? How many TV shows do I watch a day, and how many of these shows openly portray sexual acts and have TV safe or implied nudity, sexual commentary, or adult theme jokes and innuendo? How often when Networking Socially do I cross a page for someone and get caught up browsing for a seductive or provocative photo or two in their collection? How much time do I spend online openly flirting and commenting in a sexual manner or with sexual innuendo to friends and/or strangers? What am I looking for when I browse through magazines on the shelf?

Do you begin to see a pattern? Sexual Addiction is just as normal as many other addictions in society. It is even used so openly, in everyday life that we hardly notice its appearance. It could almost be said that a large part of society has become addicted in a sense already.

So why the hate, why the disgust, why the poking fun at people who may struggle with this type of addiction and not the others? I believe it's because of misunderstanding, as well as characterization. I believe people hear "Sex Addict," they think of someone who preys on weak minds for self sexual satisfaction. I also believe the term may trigger association with Pedophilia, Prostitution, Rape, and Pornography. Also, the term "Sexual Addiction," may cause one to automatically think it is an addiction to Intercourse, and the act of having sex. When truthfully it is the addiction to the rush, the high, and the euphoric feeling created by the chemical released into the brain and the body during events, thoughts and/or actions related to sex. Addicts are "hooked" on their own body chemical.

Like many addictions that are accepted by society, Sexual Addiction can be thrown in the mix and passed off as normal. You will here things like; "It's not a problem, I just like to have sex," and " I am not hurting anyone by watching these videos," or " These messages are harmless, it's just talking." But unknowingly, we are hurting someone. We are hurting our self. We are slowly building up a tolerance to ourselves, making a need for a stronger, more powerful for of stimulation to create our high.

So through all this, am I saying sex is wrong? Absolutely not!
Am I saying that Sexual Conversations and Photo play is wrong? I don't believe so.
Am I saying movies and music with Adult Content are wrong? Not really.

What I am saying is this; We as humans are a very complex and planned out creation. Sexual stimulation is the ultimate expression of external intimacy and connection with someone. As well as a connection of spirit. That someone should be our partner. The one person we share these things with. The one person we do these things together with and enjoy with one another. The one we choose to share our selves with, and depend on to reach that high with.

For years I never practiced these actions. I freely gave myself to others without thought of the repercussions. When that started feeling slow, I would seek other forms of stimulation. New forms of conversation, visual stimulation, and so on. Continually building up my tolerance for the high. Until one day, the continuing search for the high began to destroy my life, piece by piece by piece. My frustrations would lead me to seek a high more frequently. In these searches is where you find the addiction taking over. Once the mind enters a certain realm of impure thoughts, it is almost impossible to return to rational, normal thinking. Then it end one of two ways, in the brief release and high, or a crash and burn into further frustration. Either way, adding further stress to the problem.

If any of this seems to apply to your life, do not be hesitant to seek help. There are councilors and therapist who are educated and trained in helping individuals as well as couples overcome the sexual addiction. We first have to be true to ourselves, and admit we can use help. Even if it does not seem like your story may be as severe as my stories, or your story may seem heavier than my stories, help is out there. It may be a little tougher to find, but that's where taking some time to seek guidance from God helped me. He gave me strength to finally confess to myself "I need Help."