So it has been a new form of adjusting now. And it is interesting.
My councilor that I have been seeing regularly, has relocated to another state. This could be detrimental to any recovering person. In itself, it creates a break in a relationship that has formed over time. Even though it it professional, it is still a relationship. Someone you talk to and put your trust and faith in with your personal issues, even though you know that they are (by law) unable to speak about your stuff outside the walls of your meeting place, less you aim to cause harm to yourself or another. The break in relationship can put certain forms of personalities back into darkness or on it way. On the other end of the stick it could open up a door for rebellion in the vale of independence. Seeing that their is no more commitment to meet and open up and be truthful.
For myself, I am ok with this move. My councilor is a man of Faith as am I. I am aware that God has plans for he and his wife that are no longer in this area. Plus, he was telling me long before the move, that he and his wife we looking to relocate, and he gave me a general date. So I had plenty of time to prepare. But it never really sank in until my final meeting. When I walked into the office and saw boxes packed, and the only furniture left was the desk, chair, and the seats we sat on. It was weird.
My lady and I had been going together when available to do so. So it was something new for her too. But like me, she was well aware of it and understood it was his path.
I am currently still in contact with some council week to week. I do not have anyone I am meeting with professionally at the moment but I do have references for when I feel the time is needed. But in a good blessing that the Lord provides, I have four brothers that I have been speaking with a lot lately who have similar paths as mine. We are all brothers in Faith. We are all friends, and we all get to see each other pretty frequently. So I am very happy for that. And as an added bonus, my lady is friends with two of their significant others, who as well deal with similar situations. So she too has some close friends that she is able to share stuff with and talk with in confidence.
It is awesome how things work sometimes. A pleasant reminder that my God is always looking out for me.
Lately, with everything concerning my struggles, I have been trying to apply something that I received while I was writing in my journal, I believe it can be applied to any situation of addiction;
- "You don't struggle anymore because it affects you. You struggle because you choose to entertain it. I have saved you from this, and I shall do it again, and again, as long as you entertain it. But, there will come a time when I let you go, and you see the error of your ways and their repercussions. So quit while you are ahead, and let it be known that it is I that saved you, and not your dad, your mom, no one. It is I your Lord, your God, who saved you and brought you up."
These are the words the Spirit gave me. The words of God, reminding me that He, and He only, is the One who watches over me and takes care of me. He has protected me, and covered my sins and iniquities when I falter. And if left alone to my own devices, I will eventually gravitate far enough to the point of repetition, and danger. This is when He will no longer cover me. He will allow me to walk by myself like I have been trying to do, and in return He will allow me to suffer the consequences.
I gave my life to Jesus. I have put my Faith in Him and Him only. Because of this, I am covered with Grace. A supernatural, protective love that I will never understand. This passage is a reminder of that. That I have given ME, to HIM. That includes my good stuff and my bad stuff. I gave it to Him to sort it out and keep the stuff He likes and toss the stuff He doesn't.
So for me to go back into the thoughts, the images, the conversations, the actions that I may have once entertained, is for me to do just that, entertain them. If a situation arises where a conversation is set up to go south, or the option is there for me to entertain some sexual based jokes or actions, or if there is talk of video or images that "should" be seen, I know enough to avoid them. Because if I follow along this path, it is no longer because I am addicted to it, but it is because I am choosing to follow it. The truth is, I am no longer tied to the earth by these actions. I gave them up when I trusted Jesus. Plus, I understand them now. I know most of the triggers, and I know where they lead too, what they do, how they do it, and how to avoid em. So if get hung up again, it's usually not because I do not know what's going on.
That is not to say that I may never falter again. But I will do my best to make sure it does not ever happen again.
*If you think you need help with addiction of any sort, or you wonder if you may be addicted to social, or sexual situations, feel free to message me (derekzielinski@hotmail.com), or message someone who you trust. Ask them to help you get the right info, or professional council. It is never to late.
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