Of a Phrase

I recently posted a short phrase the popped into my head. It reads;

It's not a matter of "I cannot,"
It's a matter of "I don't care."

When I wrote this comment, it was in sight of a lot of things I have been becoming aware of lately. From my recent lifestyle changes, to my Faith, to my overcoming addictions. This commentary was just as much a part of my life as it is anyone else's. Not to say I am so self righteous that I figured it did not matter to me. But almost immediately after I had posted this, I was sure someone was going to throw it right back at me, to the tune of "Well I guess you just did't care about your family all those years of being drunk, high, or unfaithful." I was right too. But it wasn't just anyone that said it to me. It was me saying it.

I said this too myself. Internally. So with that, I began a quick overview of myself. From when I was an alcoholic for the better part of five years, to when I was doing drugs for the better part of two years, or every time I was unfaithful to any of the relationships I was in. I would say "I cannot stop cause..." But it wasn't that I could not stop being that way. It was that I did not care to stop.

Now right off the top, this may seem a bit wrong. But after further thoughts on it, I realized this; I did not care about Myself. I did not care about Myself enough to stop. I cared about the people around me, and the people who were a part of my life. I myself was just emotionally detached from them, or so I thought. I noticed I actually did care, sometimes more than I expected. I would just turn it off while around them. Why? Because it made me vulnerable.

Showing emotion, and showing a true love and concern was not something I portrayed very well, unless it was to my advantage. Too this day I still believe that I am not nearly as good as I would like to be. But during these stages of my life I hated me. When I had a job, I worked hard. I worked efficiently, and I worked as much as possible. I did not want downtime. It left me to think about me. When I drank, I drank hard and heavy. Dark Lagers by the pint, and brown liquors by the glass. I wanted to escape the drab feelings about myself. The feelings of not fitting in, not being noticed. The feeling that I didn't belong.

When I first did drugs, it was simply out of curiosity. No real peer pressure. My group that I spent time with actually did drugs for a little while before I even thought about it. But one weekend, while away at a festival, I gave it a whirl. Then for the next few months, it was a here and there thing. Then it was a weekend thing. That lead to trying different drugs. Ecstasy, and Cocaine ended up being the regulars. Then it was just Cocaine. Usually paired in a night of heavy drinking. Why did I do these? It wasn't really to fit in. The curiosity was just because I mainly wanted to see what the fuss was about. But my enjoyment of energy sparked a hook with Cocaine. I don't consider myself to have been a drug addict, but I would say it was a more than recreational thing for a short time. Again though, I did not like me. But the drugs made me feel like the center of the party. Even if I was in the other room by myself. Or if I was in front of the stage or tents with thousands around, they made me feel like something. Until they wore off. Then it was an even heavier downfall than when I was sober.

The relationship issues are a deeper concern. I still have not really dove down deep enough to explain how they first got started. Or even why I found it normal to treat them as a casual experience. I was always on the hunt for the next hook up. The next associate. From time to time I did have a "Girlfriend," but my actions spoke otherwise. What was I searching for? Why did I not care enough to stop doing any of these? Why did I not care about me?

During my council sessions I do a lot of talking. Sometimes it's just me rambling on about life that is going on right now. Which is good because it can show progress. But sometimes it's just me beating around the bush, and my Councilor calls me out on that. God Bless him! But other times we do talk about some deeper rooted things. How am I really doing? What has been going on inside my life? My thoughts and struggles? What is causing them? How am I doing spiritually? How is my Faith with God? What do I need to do to get closer to my goals, and away from what causes my downfalls? All these plus others are abrupt reminders, and direct questions that force me to think. To think, and not always get an answer right away. Which is okay by the way. Something I am learning is that we do not always need an immediate answer. Less the wifey asks you something, then most times you need to answer, and do it intelligently and with love!

It has taken me a while, but I am learning to enjoy myself, and love me for me. To love the way I was created. To love the family I have, and the friends I have. It starts most of the time with a very hard task. That is to admit it. Admit we are struggling. Admit we need help. Admit we cannot do it by ourselves.

I did not overcome alcoholism by myself. I did it with the help God, who years back introduced me to a little girl who needed me to be a responsible adult, and also opened a doorway to a career opportunity I had been waiting for. I did not overcome drug use by myself. I know now that God influenced a group of us to join together and say we had to stop, it was deteriorating our lives, and our friendships. I did not overcome irresponsible dating and unfaithfulness by myself. God opened doors and introduced me too love from a woman that would never give up on me. With her stubbornness to not quit, and her refusal to be another statistic family. She believed in me from the start. She stood by me even when everyone else told her to get out. She LOVED me, and showed me that I was lovable. Showed me that I needed to Love myself. For us. For our son. For Me. That is what I am learning to do. Everyday.

It is because I Care about myself enough now, that I can care about others more. I can be an example. I can be a Leader. I can be vulnerable. I can be Me. It's an ever evolving process.