There is a verse in scripture where Jesus speaks about chasing a negative spirit from ones home, but never filling the home with a new, fresh, positive something. Leaving the home wide open, or filling it with nonsense only to allow seven new spirits to take the place of the one chased away prior.
I spoke to my councilor about this during our last session. I starting thinking about how it made sense to me in context of my life now. When I made the decision to change my life and do my best to follow Jesus, I was forgiven. But I was not completely OK. Although I had the new drive and ambition to learn and follow God, I still had some hang ups that I would always deal with. Through time, these hang ups would start to weaken, and with hope, disappear. This proved to be true with such common things that I had an addiction to in my personal life. Alcohol, Social Acceptance, Sexual Situations, and the artificial connection(s) made by all of them. The more time I spent with God and living the life he was playing out for me, the less attention I used on my destructive behavior.
I was getting ready to leave Georgia, and go back to my parents place in South Florida. Coming off a rough relationship and some stress put on myself, by myself, at work. I wanted out of there. So I found a job, packed my personal stuff that fit in my car and I left. I was back in Florida, where I grew up, but now with the new motivation for change. Powered by my new beliefs and promise of Faith. The only problem was, I brought myself with me. Even though I was motivated for change, the people I chose to surround myself with seemed to care less. Some were happy for me, or at least said they were, but all in all, Florida was the same old Florida I had left the first time. We were all just a few years older now. Everyone I knew still went to the same bars all week. Still went to the same parties each month. Still had the same style life we always had, just with a new job or new other person, or new family.
This began to weigh on me a bit. I still Prayed and Studied and read my Bible and tried to follow my path. But truth be told, my efforts were half there. I did not reach out, or seek connection. I was back in my comfort zone. Back where I knew people and they knew me. Back where everyone remembered the Derek that went out all night, drank till morning, had a new girl each couple weeks. All that nonsense. I made halfway attempts to go to church. The service where I was attending was good. I just wasn't there. My heart wasn't in it. It was about two months after I came back, while I was out at the bar with a bunch of people I knew, I clearly remember saying to myself, and in ways saying to God "I'm DONE. I Quit."
Not the Quit and surrender yourself to Him, The kind of quit where I said I was done with trying to chase God around and try to be something he wanted me to be. I wanted to feel enjoyed again. I wanted to feel accepted and not uncomfortable. So I started drinking socially, and eventually every other night again. Then every night again. With the drinking came the flirting, and with the flirting came the girls. Next thing I knew, I was the Derek everyone knew and expected. That's right the Derek everyone EXPECTED.
I believe when I gave in and said "I quit" to God, I opened up my doors to my house, and allowed seven times the amount of issues I had already tried to deal with, and overcome back in to my life. I allowed myself to be subject to stronger searches for attention. Stronger actions for acceptance. Heavier drinks and a lot of bad decision making. Seven times stronger, seven times tougher.
It wasn't just the girls or the alcohol addiction I was fighting. I was fighting the feeling of being alone. Living at my parents place, being around my brothers, being in a busy tattoo studio, spending every night out with people I called "Friends," none of this helped. All I felt was this empty feeling of uncomplaining and loneliness. After every drinking stint, I would feel like garbage, not from the drunk feeling, it was internal feeling. After every hook up I began to feel like garbage too, because I knew that's not what God had planned for me. I knew I was rebelling. I knew what I was doing was down a path that was not intended for His purpose. I was cheating God. I was destroying myself. I was ignoring the spirit He promises to us, the Councilor, the One that will lead us in truth. I purposely ignored it because I wanted to be satisfied. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be socially in tune again. All at the cost . . .
My growing addiction for attention would eventually get stronger and stronger as time goes on. When it goes unaddressed, it gains more and more strength. You find yourself in the Bigger, Faster, Stronger mentality. Then you apply it to everything you start to do. Anything that happens in repetition. I pissed of more people, offended more stranger, and destroyed more relationships for what? Because of no self control. I did not care. Because I did not believe that I mattered. Because I did not believe that I was good enough in character the way I was. I drank to be social, then I drank to loosen up, then I drank to get drunk, then I drank because it was habitual. If while drinking I did not feel engaged into any ones conversations or scenarios, I would seek new locations to go be a part of. If these failed to be active in feeding my happiness, I would drink until I was drunk enough not to care anymore. Then away we went to sleep it off and start new tomorrow.
Through my endeavors, in and outside of drinking, I would hope to find someone to spark up a conversation, and maybe some form of interaction. Eventually it could sometimes lead to casual hook ups and sometimes relationships. Usually based on physical attraction and actions. There was some attractions to things that did matter, such as personality, motivations, character, ambitions, etc. For me though, that wore off when the physical died down.
The worst part about not paying attention to the Spirit that guides you, or as some people refer to it, your conscience, is that the more you ignore it, the easier it becomes. So what made me feel like crap in the beginning of my downward times, would eventually just be a thought the next morning. Still there, but less potent. It's in these times of quenching that I believe we do the most damage to ourselves. Not only are we ignoring the One true thing that keeps us on track, but we are getting used to it, and becoming cold hearted to it you could say. Paul the apostle warns us about this. He tells us NOT to do that. Do not quench the Spirit. It is the Councilor, the Truth. That means, when the voice inside tells you to do something, DO IT, it is for the love of God.
To many people give to much credit to the devil. He is but one spirit doing one thing at a time. He does have a lot of spirits that work with him and follow his lead, but they are not him. They are but his puppets. Whispering in your ear and hanging out where you allow them too in your life. So when you allow seven times as many back to replace the ones run out earlier. You make it that much more aggravating to get rid of them. So how do you do that? You start to make the house smaller. You close the doors to the outlets that they have been a part of. You change your life, you change your routine, you consciously make better decisions and smarter actions to do what is right by God and not by you. Submit to something greater to you, and stick to it. Quit entertaining them.
Chasing out spirits and cleaning up yourself is not fun either. Brian "Head" Welch in his first book, talked about fighting addiction and addiction spirits. He says: "Fighting your negative spirits is never easy, but you need to do it. They don't always leave quietly either, sometimes cursing and screaming on there way out." This is true. When you shut down the outlets used for your addictive behaviors, your body gets upset with you. For me, my patience went out the window. My temper heats up super easy more times than I like. My selfish ambitions fight back at me as well. I want to buy everything that seems interesting. I want to talk a lot and make sure everyone is paying attention to me. I want to verbally destroy someones character to make me feel better about myself. Things like this.
Because I am closing doors to my negative outlets, they are getting mad, and trying to find new ways to be satisfied. So what now? My councilor gave me some good advice. He said to think back, to when I began getting these thoughts and actions, what do I believe is causing them? Also to think about the longevity of the decisions my body is wanting to make. Do these decisions match up with the decisions God would have me make? What do I feel when these thought come up? After which I look at him and pause, then I tell him I have no clue, cause I never used to pay attention
That's another change I am working on as well.
I spoke to my councilor about this during our last session. I starting thinking about how it made sense to me in context of my life now. When I made the decision to change my life and do my best to follow Jesus, I was forgiven. But I was not completely OK. Although I had the new drive and ambition to learn and follow God, I still had some hang ups that I would always deal with. Through time, these hang ups would start to weaken, and with hope, disappear. This proved to be true with such common things that I had an addiction to in my personal life. Alcohol, Social Acceptance, Sexual Situations, and the artificial connection(s) made by all of them. The more time I spent with God and living the life he was playing out for me, the less attention I used on my destructive behavior.
I was getting ready to leave Georgia, and go back to my parents place in South Florida. Coming off a rough relationship and some stress put on myself, by myself, at work. I wanted out of there. So I found a job, packed my personal stuff that fit in my car and I left. I was back in Florida, where I grew up, but now with the new motivation for change. Powered by my new beliefs and promise of Faith. The only problem was, I brought myself with me. Even though I was motivated for change, the people I chose to surround myself with seemed to care less. Some were happy for me, or at least said they were, but all in all, Florida was the same old Florida I had left the first time. We were all just a few years older now. Everyone I knew still went to the same bars all week. Still went to the same parties each month. Still had the same style life we always had, just with a new job or new other person, or new family.
This began to weigh on me a bit. I still Prayed and Studied and read my Bible and tried to follow my path. But truth be told, my efforts were half there. I did not reach out, or seek connection. I was back in my comfort zone. Back where I knew people and they knew me. Back where everyone remembered the Derek that went out all night, drank till morning, had a new girl each couple weeks. All that nonsense. I made halfway attempts to go to church. The service where I was attending was good. I just wasn't there. My heart wasn't in it. It was about two months after I came back, while I was out at the bar with a bunch of people I knew, I clearly remember saying to myself, and in ways saying to God "I'm DONE. I Quit."
Not the Quit and surrender yourself to Him, The kind of quit where I said I was done with trying to chase God around and try to be something he wanted me to be. I wanted to feel enjoyed again. I wanted to feel accepted and not uncomfortable. So I started drinking socially, and eventually every other night again. Then every night again. With the drinking came the flirting, and with the flirting came the girls. Next thing I knew, I was the Derek everyone knew and expected. That's right the Derek everyone EXPECTED.
I believe when I gave in and said "I quit" to God, I opened up my doors to my house, and allowed seven times the amount of issues I had already tried to deal with, and overcome back in to my life. I allowed myself to be subject to stronger searches for attention. Stronger actions for acceptance. Heavier drinks and a lot of bad decision making. Seven times stronger, seven times tougher.
It wasn't just the girls or the alcohol addiction I was fighting. I was fighting the feeling of being alone. Living at my parents place, being around my brothers, being in a busy tattoo studio, spending every night out with people I called "Friends," none of this helped. All I felt was this empty feeling of uncomplaining and loneliness. After every drinking stint, I would feel like garbage, not from the drunk feeling, it was internal feeling. After every hook up I began to feel like garbage too, because I knew that's not what God had planned for me. I knew I was rebelling. I knew what I was doing was down a path that was not intended for His purpose. I was cheating God. I was destroying myself. I was ignoring the spirit He promises to us, the Councilor, the One that will lead us in truth. I purposely ignored it because I wanted to be satisfied. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be socially in tune again. All at the cost . . .
My growing addiction for attention would eventually get stronger and stronger as time goes on. When it goes unaddressed, it gains more and more strength. You find yourself in the Bigger, Faster, Stronger mentality. Then you apply it to everything you start to do. Anything that happens in repetition. I pissed of more people, offended more stranger, and destroyed more relationships for what? Because of no self control. I did not care. Because I did not believe that I mattered. Because I did not believe that I was good enough in character the way I was. I drank to be social, then I drank to loosen up, then I drank to get drunk, then I drank because it was habitual. If while drinking I did not feel engaged into any ones conversations or scenarios, I would seek new locations to go be a part of. If these failed to be active in feeding my happiness, I would drink until I was drunk enough not to care anymore. Then away we went to sleep it off and start new tomorrow.
Through my endeavors, in and outside of drinking, I would hope to find someone to spark up a conversation, and maybe some form of interaction. Eventually it could sometimes lead to casual hook ups and sometimes relationships. Usually based on physical attraction and actions. There was some attractions to things that did matter, such as personality, motivations, character, ambitions, etc. For me though, that wore off when the physical died down.
The worst part about not paying attention to the Spirit that guides you, or as some people refer to it, your conscience, is that the more you ignore it, the easier it becomes. So what made me feel like crap in the beginning of my downward times, would eventually just be a thought the next morning. Still there, but less potent. It's in these times of quenching that I believe we do the most damage to ourselves. Not only are we ignoring the One true thing that keeps us on track, but we are getting used to it, and becoming cold hearted to it you could say. Paul the apostle warns us about this. He tells us NOT to do that. Do not quench the Spirit. It is the Councilor, the Truth. That means, when the voice inside tells you to do something, DO IT, it is for the love of God.
To many people give to much credit to the devil. He is but one spirit doing one thing at a time. He does have a lot of spirits that work with him and follow his lead, but they are not him. They are but his puppets. Whispering in your ear and hanging out where you allow them too in your life. So when you allow seven times as many back to replace the ones run out earlier. You make it that much more aggravating to get rid of them. So how do you do that? You start to make the house smaller. You close the doors to the outlets that they have been a part of. You change your life, you change your routine, you consciously make better decisions and smarter actions to do what is right by God and not by you. Submit to something greater to you, and stick to it. Quit entertaining them.
Chasing out spirits and cleaning up yourself is not fun either. Brian "Head" Welch in his first book, talked about fighting addiction and addiction spirits. He says: "Fighting your negative spirits is never easy, but you need to do it. They don't always leave quietly either, sometimes cursing and screaming on there way out." This is true. When you shut down the outlets used for your addictive behaviors, your body gets upset with you. For me, my patience went out the window. My temper heats up super easy more times than I like. My selfish ambitions fight back at me as well. I want to buy everything that seems interesting. I want to talk a lot and make sure everyone is paying attention to me. I want to verbally destroy someones character to make me feel better about myself. Things like this.
Because I am closing doors to my negative outlets, they are getting mad, and trying to find new ways to be satisfied. So what now? My councilor gave me some good advice. He said to think back, to when I began getting these thoughts and actions, what do I believe is causing them? Also to think about the longevity of the decisions my body is wanting to make. Do these decisions match up with the decisions God would have me make? What do I feel when these thought come up? After which I look at him and pause, then I tell him I have no clue, cause I never used to pay attention
That's another change I am working on as well.
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