Our Iniquity Kills

I forgot where I first heard the explanations in the difference between Sin, and Iniquity. But once I heard it, it stuck inside my head and made itself clear. Sadly, sometimes only clear when I have to backtrack and know what it is I would be asking forgiveness for.

Sin; (noun) - an offense against religious or moral law, a transgression of the law of God.
(verb,) - to commit and offense or fault.

Iniquity; (noun) - gross injustice, a wicked act or thing.

If you notice the latter. Iniquity seems to hold an even heavier explanation of meaning than sin. As it was explained to me; Sin is something we do either the first time, or something we do that we are unaware is against God and our relationship with Him. Iniquity, is something that we are consciously doing, knowing full well that God does not approve. Hence the wording 'gross & wicked.'

When we get caught up in addiction, depending on the type, and the frame of mind, I believe most things we end up doing start out as mere Sin. Most of the time we are unaware that what we are doing goes against a bigger plan, or someone personally. We are so distracted at the newness or high that we get, we do not notice that we have wronged someone. But then it switches. Someone points out what it is we are doing wrong and gives our action a name. They tell us that we have sinned. Our actions have wronged someone or something, and they should be discontinued as so.

So we are left with the choice; discontinue our actions and try to walk straight, or ignore the facts and continue to do what it was that we were doings. If we choose to do as we please, and we repeat the actions again, or over and over, our sin has now become an iniquity. We are now consciously choosing to do what makes us happy with no regard to others. We continue to disrespect and offend the moral code that is ingrained in all of us. And I believe that is where the definition of 'wicked' comes from. It is a wicked deed, to do as we please with no regard to others, even after we have been told it is not the right way, or the proper way, or the productive way, etc.

In addiction, there eventually comes a point when you realize that what you are doing is not healthy, whatever the case of addiction may be. It is at this point when I believe we realize our Sin. The thing we have been choosing to put our time, and efforts into first and foremost, has become the ruler and king over our life, and all else is forced to follow. So we must make adjustments, and come to the understanding of what it is that got us here, and how do we fix it.

Now during the process of restoration and rehabilitation we will be faced with many temptations. Especially if what you choose as your new king, or purpose, or higher power is something of the Faith. The devil knows how to push your buttons, and knows what he can say to make you think about it.
- Will one more go REALLY hurt you that bad?
- Do you think anyone will REALLY know whats going on?
- Will you REALLY get caught again?Sometimes too, it is not even the devil we have to worry about. It is our own flesh. Our Body. We are connected to them until we die. And through all the creating time we put into fabricating our addiction, our bodies have grown accustomed to getting what it wants. So when we decide to stop, it gets pissed, and begins to argue with us like a sleepy toddler who wants more candy.

So this is the crossroad. This is where sin becomes iniquity. At the point when we KNOW that what we are about to do will not be an action that our Higher Power will agree with. Nor is it something that they have asked us to do. In fact it will go against what they are asking us to do. So therefore, we are directly saying "My way is better and it is what I want, I know you do not approve, But I am going to do it anyway." Thus we are now participating in a wicked deed.

-Our Families ask us to stop doing drugs, or drinking because it hurts them to see us killing ourselves. Yet we take notice, and drink or drug away anyway. We realize our addiction to drugs and drinking is our sin, but our continue to do so is our iniquity.
-Our Spouse asks us to come home when work is scheduled to be done, yet we work hours on hours of overtime to make that paycheck even larger, ignoring their request. We realize our addiction to making money is our sin, yet we chase it anyway, and our iniquity is born.
-Our Pastor tells us pornography and adult themed books and movies will destroy our relationships. We realize this is our sin against our partner, and our iniquity follows as we ignore the advice.
-God himself tells us to have no other god or idol before him. Our pursuit of money, fame, sex, wealth, honor, relationship, status, popularity, or that next high, has become all we live for. Our sin is realizing we put these things in front of God. Keeping them continually in front of our relationship with Him, is our iniquities.

So how do we Stop?

Seek Help! Get council. Get an accountability partner or group. Talk to someone about our issues that can help deal with them and overcome them.

Next, Repent! Ask for Forgiveness, then turn away from what it is that causes us to continue in sin in such manner. Again, seeking council will help to achieve this.

Finally, understand and accept Love and Grace. Two major characteristics of God, Jesus and the Spirit. Everything that is given to us, is done so in Love. And by the death on the cross, Jesus extended Grace to us. Favor to our lives, that we may live for Him and He be glorified, because He died the way we should have.


*addiction is not something given to us. it is something we create in ourselves. we choose to continue to chase something, make it habitually regular, and give it power over our lives. if something has primary rule over your life outside of God, it is unhealthy, and if continued will destroy everything you have. we should love ourselves enough to quit, and thank God for everything.

You're In Your Own Way

It has been said over, and over and over again throughout churches, ministries, movements, concerts, movies, music, and all things based on Faith, "You do not need to get right first, too be accepted by Jesus."

I have this thought pop into my head a fair amount lately. I also seem to think about it on the other hand as well. What do we need to do to allow Jesus and the Spirit to work through us? As I sit and listen to numerous Pastors, and so many other speaker types repeat from their podium, "Jesus loves you as is, and you do not need to get right for Him to accept you," I can't help but think, "I have accepted this, and I believe in Jesus. Why can I not see Him work through me?" And I do not mean, "oh but He is, you spread inspiration among your friends and fellow believers." I mean, can non believers see the difference between myself and those who do not know, or believe. Why do we not see people like myself, and my friends, and other faith filled individuals doing exactly what it is Jesus said we should be doing. By should I mean in a direct, and indirect way. What we "should" because He tells us too, and what we "should" cause He expects us too.

As I dwell on this thought I think about the Bible. All of the stories from the Exile, to the Flood. The Profits. The Kings. The Apostles. The final days and Revelation. All of these stories and more are filled with normal, lower to middle class, everyday people, who just allowed themselves to be a tool, an outlet, or a weapon for God.

All of the people who play the lead in the telling of our history, minus Jesus, are everyday humans. Born of man and woman, cursed by sin, tempted by the world, and yet, all of them did amazing things for God. At the same time as well, they all failed, they all disobeyed, they all did selfish things. They were human. But God worked in their lives in amazing ways. He used them greatly. How?

Stemming back to the initial statement I wrote, but adding to it: "As believers, You do not need to get everything right first, before God can work through you!" All we need to do, is submit . . . go figure.

* This is not an excuse to live recklessly and  full of sin, and expect God to approve and still work through us.

Through all of the garbage, through all of the pain, through all of the addiction, through all of the darkness. Through anything, a Light will shine. As long as He has an outlet, He can work. You, are an outlet. I, am an outlet. We, are His outlets.

It is hard to believe all of this. In this miserable, impatient, aggravated, tired, busy, selfish, self centered shell of person I can be at times, God can still work. When I am super high on life, when I am happy about my days, when I am so distracted by what it is I have to do that day, God can still work. At any time of any day of any hour, through all of the "stuff" I have in me and attached to me, He can still work. As long as I open myself to submitting to Him.

I want to see blind gain site, the mute talk, the deaf hear, the paralyzed stand up and walk, the diseased be released from their sickness. May I be so bold to say, I want to see the deceased awake from their slumber. I want to be the voice for the words God wants people to hear. I want to see the visions that He would have me share. I want to be fearless. So what is it that is stopping all of this from happening?

Me.

I am too busy worrying about Me. What I should be doing next, or what I need to adjust to allow God to be able to work through me. I am always thinking I am never good enough to be a good, respectable, representation for Jesus. The one I claim and put my Faith in. I feel like I am always carrying too much stuff that will be in His way while trying to work in my life. And let His Glory be shown.

The Fact is, I am the one who is putting that stuff there. I am the one focused on it. Not Jesus. He wants to carry that burden for me. He says so, so many times in His teachings. The psalmists echoed this before Jesus said it Himself. "His yoke is easy, His burden is light."

"You do not need to get right first, to be accepted by Jesus, nor do you have to be right first, to see Jesus move in your life." The key is, submission. Submit to Him, and let him carry my burdens, so that I may be His hands and feet, His arms and legs, His words and ears. So that I may be his weapon against the one who aims to keep us distracted. The more I submit to Him, the more He will help me overcome what it is that binds me. And He will help me become more like Him, and less like the world.

Accept, Submit, and Build Relationship, Not Religion.

Whoremonger

We all draw influence from somewhere. For me, I get a lot of my influence, and motivation from music. For the last 5 years, one of the main bands I have had in constant rotation has been Sleeping Giant. They are a Faith based Hardcore group, and I can never say enough about their music. Both lyrically and musically, I never get tired of them. I think in all honesty, I have broken down to more the two-thirds of all their songs. Every message in there songs tears straight to the heart.

The lead vocals are done by Tommy Green. Tommy has a testimony for the song I am going to share, that I could never imagine. In fact it was in an interview with Radio U Hardcore out of Ohio, that I was able to hear him speak about it. The band had just released their freshman album "Dread Champions of the Last Days." In the interview they would talk about the songs they were about to play, and where the influence and story behind them came from. When they got to the song "Whoremonger," something struck a chord with me. Tommy was speaking openly, about his previous struggles he had with sex, as well as an affair that would change his life forever.



After listening to his testimony, and hearing the dynamic sound and lyrics of Sleeping Giant, I have been a fan ever since. And almost every day I play something of their's. Below I have posted the lyrics for "Whoremonger," for you to read in the poetic-esk form. Then beneath that is the song itself without video. If you have a moment, just watch the testimony above, read the lyrics as the story they are, then listen to the song and follow along with the lyrics.

Sleeping Giant: Whoremonger

Witness to a youthful lust

Who made the same mistake
Guess he didn't know
Didn't know it would cost him everything he'd make
Spied that young one through my window,
On the subtle path
He didn't know the loss
He couldn't see the cost
Gonna cost him everything

Now he can't find
Now he dont understand why
But you see
Cause you cheat, and think that you're free, but you know
Now he can't find his way
Will someone please come, please come and take it away
Before it's to late

Wave, Goodbye
She'll kill you with a smile
And slit your throat, with a wink of her eye
Why, a brutal heart for a lie
I was that man once, I tell you I'd rather die (Die)

He can't just see why
He doesn't see the truth
And you know, cause it feels so good, it takes away you
Now Disciples would you rise
I know there is sin you despise, will you let it go?
Now wave goodbye to your friends, and live like it's so

Now he can't find
Why can't he see?
Won't you stop him now? Won't you reach out? Won't you do something please?
I guess you too busy to see
It brings a real friend to say no, In the face of your own Identity.
Please stop him someone

Wave, Goodbye
She'll kill you with a smile
And slit your throat with a wink of her eye
Why, a brutal heart for a lie
I was that man once, I tell you I'd rather die 

I was! I was that man once
I'd rather die (DIE)
Now can't you understand why
I only got one heart
And it's the wellspring of life (LIFE)
Why, oh why will you die?
Give your heart to one love (JESUS CHRIST)
You can change this all now, You can let it go, And walk into the light
Please leave this darkness behind

Now
You'll finally know your own mind, you can't run this time
Desperate to rest, in the peace of the light
I'll be kneeling there, right by your side
Battering hell and I declare tonight.

Hell Relinquish Your Hold On My Sons!
Hell Relinquish Your Hold On My Sons!




I will continually say it over and over, Sexual Addiction is a real issue. If you feel like you may be struggling with it to any degree, Please - Call someone. A friend, A sibling, A councilor, Anyone, and tell them you want help, before you, or someone you know, or don't know, end up in a tough spot.

Let Us Have Another

I am very happy to say that one year has passed since I began the path to understanding and recovering from my personal issues and addictions. An interesting walk it has been.

While in Council the other day, I was talking about the way I feel now in contrast to the way I felt when I first started out. When I first started, I was down. Not just meaning I was sad, but I was legitimately down. My jobs were gone. My relationship was it's last filament, and I was really confused on why all of this kept happening. Today, I feel much better about myself. I feel like I understand more about what was going on and what was causing it.  But I also understand I am no where close to calling myself fully healed.

It is still an everyday corrective process. I have to train myself to think and act differently. I have to be conscious of things around me and the situations I am in, so that the things that used to set me off or trigger the actions of myself can now be processed and ignored. Conversations or jokes can be squashed before they gain  leverage and turn in the wrong direction.

It is tough. When dealing with a self created addiction to something that is created by your own body, it can be tough a lot of the times. The oddest things can get your brain going. Images, fragrances, places, signs, movies, music. All of these things can serve as triggers to set off a memory, or a thought once had. But like my council helps me to understand, I cannot exactly get rid of these memories. I spent years creating them. What I can do is deal with them as they arise.

Instead of entertaining them and staying in a dream state. I shut them down, or stop them from playing. I think of something else, or I focus attention elsewhere. Kind of like dealing with a skipping record or cd. Just cut to the next track. But it can be very tough because my mind is selfish. It wants to be entertained. It wants to be satisfied. And the body gets in agreement to try and make it happen. So the fight then becomes harder.

For me, this is where I have to turn to my Faith. I pray for help to overcome the want to entertain the thoughts. Then I ask for the connection to be cut off. To be disconnected from me so it will lose it's strength and power altogether.

It may sound kooky, but it works.

The pulsing rise and fall of the passion I have for my Faith get's aggravating more times than not. It is there always. My belief does not change. But I do however wish to know more. I wish that I would not be so lazy and just be passive about it. I have been called to be strong and firm in it. To be true. And yet, I fall short often. And I tend to stay there for a while.

But I know inside that it is in fact my Faith in Christ, and His love for me that has kept me moving. I know that He has been with me the whole way til this point. I also know He will be with me as I move forward more, and I am excited for that. I believe that there are a lot of good things starting to take shape around My Lady and I, and all of those around us. I am looking forward to sharing a lot of it as well.

So here is to the year gone by, and all of the rocks, and ditched, and cliffs, and valleys, and hills and what not's that were thrown in the way. As much as I hated them while they were happening, I am glad they have taught me the things they have. I am also happy to share them with you . . . Thanks for reading em.

One Year Down, Next Year in Motion

It's a bit weird, when I look back to the start of this road to recovery. I was not that long ago.  I will be coming up on One Year this month. It is not like other recoveries, where I celebrate (x) amount of time sober. At least I can"t see the comparison being the same. I guess you could say I am one year wiser? One year more knowledgeable? Maybe say I am one year clean from jeopardizing my life, in destructive manors and inappropriate behaviors? I dunno. What I do know is that I am happier. I feel good about things, and I am looking forward to more learning and sharing.

Should be Creating

I have been having issues with my mind. Art blocks. Writer blocks. Thought blocks. Things that make me slow down my moving forward. For whatever set amount of time. Could be a few hours. Could be a few days. Could be a year or more. Depending on topic. Depending on importance. Depending on life. It all has a breakdown. It all has to be broke down. But I get it, and I am still trying to figure how to get past it.

I feel like there has been a vice on my creativity process. I cannot get anything to get me motivated enough to create. Draw, Paint, Design. None of these are appealing to me at the moment. That is not a good thing, because by nature I am an Artist. It's what I have been gifted to do. Among other things. But Art is what I do for a living as well as for personal interest. So I need to keep creating so I will keep advancing.

I try to write, or journal, or blog. Nothing comes out. And when it does it is all jumbled and scatter brained. My focus is not there. I have the ideas in my head. I see the way they should come out. But they come out more like loose references and brainstorming instead of sentences and paragraphs.

I read different books and articles. Two or three times in a row at one sitting. Simply because my brain is not processing the readings. I am scanning the page, looking over the words. I am not however taking in the words and processing the story. So I catch myself, stop whatever it is I am thinking about and start over. And another time. And another time.

This occurs more than I enjoy. I know I will get out of it. I have to. It is my job to create. It is my mission to create. It is my gift to create. I just need to do it. It can be hard when you are your own worse critic, and the doodles you start out with look more like useless lines in your own view.

People are more interested in why your creating, than what your creating. But if you are not making a creation, you will have no reason to talk, nor a why to talk about in the first place.

Advice I gave to a friend of mine in his apprenticeship: "You should be creating something right now!"

Asked

I was recently asked an interesting question:

"When you opened up your blog about your struggles, did you receive emails or messages from others that were dealing with similar things?"

Kindly, I responded, "No."

Then I began to describe why I think that is.

The issues I began my blog about tend to be a sensitive subject for most. It is not like many other things that seem to be as publicly known or accepted. But all the same, it is a topic as I have described before, and I believe more people deal with on a regular basis than they know.

When I first searched out for someone to talk to about this, the first thing I looked into was a program that would be somewhat like Alcoholics Anonymous. It only made sense that this would be the right step to go in. So I began a search on the internet only to come up with short supply. There were two meetings listed in my area. One was located an hour and forty five minutes south of me. The other, twenty five minuted north. There was also a listing for a meeting in the city where I currently live, but the page had not been updated in a while and those meetings had since ended.

After attending a meeting and seeing the environment, I did not believe that it was the way I was going to overcome. So I began to try and search for a personal council. After a day or two worth of searching around online, I found a site that listed three councils familiar with my issues in my area. But having the same Faith I did was important to me. So I searched more. I found one, and it took me almost two days to do it. Why that long?

Sexual Addiction is not something most councils deal with I guess. Not to say some won't be able to help, but why settle for that and not just get someone who knows and studies the certain subjects, and can help your on a personal level? Especially when they are of the same Faith, and can teach you to be strong in that as well. It will help overcome.

Sending out something like emails or messages to anyone saying that you struggle with addiction is tough. Type the words council for addiction into any search engine, and your zip code, and most likely the links will send you in directions for narcotics, alcohol, eating, shopping and gambling. But not too many others. If you were to type in Sexual Addiction, you may get a page or two that will guide you somewhere. No guarantee though that it will be somewhere close to you, or even in driving range.

So what is the point of this all?
The reason to the answer I gave above: I do not believe I get much email or messages on this topic is because people may not know how to approach someone when they are struggling with these types of problems. They may not even know they have a problem. It takes a lot, (sometimes losing everything,) to message someone, text someone, call someone, or even just verbally say "I think I need help." In doing so one puts them self out there in the open, and who knows the return they will get. That is Vulnerability, and it is very uncomfortable.

As brothers and sisters, we should be able to talk to one another anytime. Especially when we may need help with something. No matter how large or small it may be. Someone close to each of us could feel so far away, and it could all be as simple as asking them how they are, and actually listening.