Of a Phrase

I recently posted a short phrase the popped into my head. It reads;

It's not a matter of "I cannot,"
It's a matter of "I don't care."

When I wrote this comment, it was in sight of a lot of things I have been becoming aware of lately. From my recent lifestyle changes, to my Faith, to my overcoming addictions. This commentary was just as much a part of my life as it is anyone else's. Not to say I am so self righteous that I figured it did not matter to me. But almost immediately after I had posted this, I was sure someone was going to throw it right back at me, to the tune of "Well I guess you just did't care about your family all those years of being drunk, high, or unfaithful." I was right too. But it wasn't just anyone that said it to me. It was me saying it.

I said this too myself. Internally. So with that, I began a quick overview of myself. From when I was an alcoholic for the better part of five years, to when I was doing drugs for the better part of two years, or every time I was unfaithful to any of the relationships I was in. I would say "I cannot stop cause..." But it wasn't that I could not stop being that way. It was that I did not care to stop.

Now right off the top, this may seem a bit wrong. But after further thoughts on it, I realized this; I did not care about Myself. I did not care about Myself enough to stop. I cared about the people around me, and the people who were a part of my life. I myself was just emotionally detached from them, or so I thought. I noticed I actually did care, sometimes more than I expected. I would just turn it off while around them. Why? Because it made me vulnerable.

Showing emotion, and showing a true love and concern was not something I portrayed very well, unless it was to my advantage. Too this day I still believe that I am not nearly as good as I would like to be. But during these stages of my life I hated me. When I had a job, I worked hard. I worked efficiently, and I worked as much as possible. I did not want downtime. It left me to think about me. When I drank, I drank hard and heavy. Dark Lagers by the pint, and brown liquors by the glass. I wanted to escape the drab feelings about myself. The feelings of not fitting in, not being noticed. The feeling that I didn't belong.

When I first did drugs, it was simply out of curiosity. No real peer pressure. My group that I spent time with actually did drugs for a little while before I even thought about it. But one weekend, while away at a festival, I gave it a whirl. Then for the next few months, it was a here and there thing. Then it was a weekend thing. That lead to trying different drugs. Ecstasy, and Cocaine ended up being the regulars. Then it was just Cocaine. Usually paired in a night of heavy drinking. Why did I do these? It wasn't really to fit in. The curiosity was just because I mainly wanted to see what the fuss was about. But my enjoyment of energy sparked a hook with Cocaine. I don't consider myself to have been a drug addict, but I would say it was a more than recreational thing for a short time. Again though, I did not like me. But the drugs made me feel like the center of the party. Even if I was in the other room by myself. Or if I was in front of the stage or tents with thousands around, they made me feel like something. Until they wore off. Then it was an even heavier downfall than when I was sober.

The relationship issues are a deeper concern. I still have not really dove down deep enough to explain how they first got started. Or even why I found it normal to treat them as a casual experience. I was always on the hunt for the next hook up. The next associate. From time to time I did have a "Girlfriend," but my actions spoke otherwise. What was I searching for? Why did I not care enough to stop doing any of these? Why did I not care about me?

During my council sessions I do a lot of talking. Sometimes it's just me rambling on about life that is going on right now. Which is good because it can show progress. But sometimes it's just me beating around the bush, and my Councilor calls me out on that. God Bless him! But other times we do talk about some deeper rooted things. How am I really doing? What has been going on inside my life? My thoughts and struggles? What is causing them? How am I doing spiritually? How is my Faith with God? What do I need to do to get closer to my goals, and away from what causes my downfalls? All these plus others are abrupt reminders, and direct questions that force me to think. To think, and not always get an answer right away. Which is okay by the way. Something I am learning is that we do not always need an immediate answer. Less the wifey asks you something, then most times you need to answer, and do it intelligently and with love!

It has taken me a while, but I am learning to enjoy myself, and love me for me. To love the way I was created. To love the family I have, and the friends I have. It starts most of the time with a very hard task. That is to admit it. Admit we are struggling. Admit we need help. Admit we cannot do it by ourselves.

I did not overcome alcoholism by myself. I did it with the help God, who years back introduced me to a little girl who needed me to be a responsible adult, and also opened a doorway to a career opportunity I had been waiting for. I did not overcome drug use by myself. I know now that God influenced a group of us to join together and say we had to stop, it was deteriorating our lives, and our friendships. I did not overcome irresponsible dating and unfaithfulness by myself. God opened doors and introduced me too love from a woman that would never give up on me. With her stubbornness to not quit, and her refusal to be another statistic family. She believed in me from the start. She stood by me even when everyone else told her to get out. She LOVED me, and showed me that I was lovable. Showed me that I needed to Love myself. For us. For our son. For Me. That is what I am learning to do. Everyday.

It is because I Care about myself enough now, that I can care about others more. I can be an example. I can be a Leader. I can be vulnerable. I can be Me. It's an ever evolving process.

Questions and Notes

How far away from God are you Comfortable in being?
What is keeping you that far away?
What will it take to get past that and get closer to God?

Belief in yourself will be your Anchor!
Faith in something will be your Strength!
Relationship with God will be your Path!

The name just plain sucks . . .

This will be an add with hopes to further understand what I already have written previously, Read Here .

The question I pose is this; Why condemn someone who is open and understanding about this addiction, and choose to use it to be held above there head, when in fact, you too may look in the mirror and be guilty of some of these same things. Regardless of the level of addiction. Regardless of how many or how few you may participate in. You too the reader may also have some slight, or major form of Sexual Addiction.

The subject has come arise in many more than a few conversations as of late. Never on my end though. The name "Sexual Addiction" seems to be misunderstood, and rightfully so. The title alone is not very flattering. In society today it will almost make you cringe.

Sexual Addiction! What are you some playboy that just has sex with whatever comes your way?

The conversation is never on my end unfortunately. So I usually do not get the chance to explain further. It always comes through a third party. Usually the aggressor using the term "Sex Addiction" or "Sex Addict" in a negative manor. Or as a pun, or justification for their own self righteousness. At first I would find it very aggravating. But now I just feel bad for the person on that end. The misunderstanding of what Sexual Addiction is. Not even taking the time to absorb the little bit I have posted about it, that I have come to understand and share. Or look up info on it themselves.

With the knowledge of the offensiveness in the name Sexual Addiction, I add to the title when speaking about it personally. I refer to it as Sexual Addiction and Social Anxiety Issues. Mainly because these two coexist when speaking about the struggles I face. The hunt for that feeling of being wanted, accepted, loved and the addiction to chemical release generated inside the brain when achieving a high cause by sexual thoughts, actions and/or encounters, usually paired with or used to achieve the prior. But most people still do not get this. They think "Sex" and "Addiction" and think I am and have always been running around on my lady.

Things that I have read about that have also been classified under "Sexual Addiction;" Frequent Pornography, Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, Empty Affairs, Use of Prostitution, Frotteurism, Cybersex, Chronic Masturbation or Self Gratification, Obsessive Sexual Thoughts, etc. All of these can be considered Sexual Addiction. Just the same, almost two thirds of them are accepted as "Normal" in our society today.

Pornography and Strip Clubs make for some of the highest profits in the world. But watching porn or going to the gentleman's club is just as accepted and normal as having lunch at the mall or turning on the tv. So much so, that most people that participate are guilty of entertaining these things at work, in traffic on their phones, in school. Children of any age can access Pornographic or close too it materials just by logging on to their social networking sites. No definite ID required.

Then there is the recreational relationships. The ones that start with sex and end with emptiness. Or on the flip side, end with sex (with someone else.) We almost never call someone out for having an addiction when they are always with someone new every time we see them. Never any downtime between. Never any wait for it to happen. It is always Go Go GO. When this fails, on to the next. Sex on the first date is the new first base of old. If your not sleeping together by the end of the month, there may be something wrong with you. You move to slow. Or so it is said.

Cybersex. That word isn't even used anymore it seems. Again, just by "logging on" to whatever social media site you choose, you will be subject to someones sexual thoughts, actions, pictures, videos and links, whether you want to be or not. And when in the mood, most people want to be. Entertaining these thoughts through video and sounds. Type it on the screen and watch them do it on the other end. Sexting? Sure. Seems to be a regular practice now days, with the rate of it rising among teens and even preteens. Skype? of coarse. How bout Skype naked? It is probably more frequent than we think.

Beyond all these there are still the hot buttons. Pedophilia, Prostitution, Public Exhibitionism, Frotteurism, Sadism and Masochism. These all still seemed to be unaccepted in everyday society. If found guilty of any of them you are sure to get some stares and backlash.

That name is Awful. I do not think it will ever be accepted.

Hi, I am so and so, and I am a Recovering Alcoholic; Congratulations, Good for You!
Hi, I am so and so, and I am a Recovering Drug Addict; Awesome, Good for You!
Hi, I am so and so, and I am a Recovering Gambler; That's Great, Good for you!
Hi, I am so and so, and I am a Recovering Food Addict; Fantastic, Good for you!
Hi, I am so and so, and I am Recovering from OCD; Wonderful, Good for you!

Hello, I am so and so. I am Recovering from Sexual Addiction; . . . ?