Week 4

I cannot say that I am on the fast track to change. But I do believe for sure that I am on the right track. Every week is a refresh, and a new chance to advance from the last. The hardest part about this process of rehabilitation is changing the views I have about myself and my life. My Core Character. Evaluating the Beliefs and the Lies about myself that I have come to believe in my heart, and changing them to the values and beliefs that I should be seeing for myself.

I am very happy to have a Therapist who is Christian as well. I believe that is of major importance when it comes to overcoming issues through counseling. If the person you seek council with does not have the same Faith practices or beliefs as you do, I do not think the advancements will be as efficient. Not only is it good to get some help and council from my Therapist, but it also refreshing to talk Faith things with him, and remind ourselves what it is we are living for.

He has been noticing some patterns in our meetings that can help me continue moving forward. The first is Art. Whenever we talk about things of interest or things for the future. Amongst many things, Arts (painting, tattooing, drawing) seem to shine the most. He points out my passion for art, and helps to relate it to things I struggle with, and how I can use the passion I have with my art to help me progress in the areas of my life I seem to struggle with. The second thing he notices is that I have a very low amount of self worth. This meaning, I do not believe in myself the way I could. My expectations are not as high as they could be, nor do I seem to believe I can reach them. All of these come from weekly diagnosis of my Core beliefs I have created.

It really is a tough thing to say out loud, the lies you have either told yourself, or the lies you have perceived through your own actions, or the actions of those around you through out your life up until the point you are at now. But once you get them out of your mouth, and out of your heart, you can make room for the Truths. That is where I believe my rehabilitation will begin to be the most noticeable. But who knows for sure.

I do know that I am happier than I was four weeks ago. I feel more confident as the weeks come forward. I know that I will overcome this issue and will come out on the other side swingin'. That's not to say that the ride is easy though. When you quit doing anything you made habit, there are symptoms of detox. Boy do I have a few. The one I hate most of them all is my impatience and easy aggravation. But these too can be used for therapy. When I brought them up in my meeting a few weeks ago, my therapist told me to ask myself, "Is what's going on really bothering me, or is it something deeper bothering me and whats happening now just bringing that out?" These words are good advice for anyone I think. He is right too. Why are we so aggravated all the time? Is it what's going on at that moment? or Is what's going on just the surface agitation for something deeper in us that we hold inside?

I use a journal as an outlet for my aggravations and brain cramps. I am also now using it to help me understand my Core. When thoughts pop up and remind me of things past and recently past, and they make me feel some kind of irritation inside, I write it down. This way I can diagnose it, and see if it is something I need to fix, or something I have come to believe true about me, that really is false. Not only that, I believe keeping a journal bedside can help you fall asleep when restless. I just write what comes out. No punctuation, no structure, no thinking. In fact, when I start to have to think about what comes out, I put the journal away. Then pass out. Sometimes not even reading what was written for weeks.