Where to Begin

Before You read anything in this Blog, I would first like openly apologize to everyone. For many years now I have been making reckless decisions with my life. These decisions have had some major consequences. Many of them have been in recent events. In the last 5 years I have struggled to keep my focus on what matters most in life. In the last 2 years, that detoured focus has caused me to create some major heart break, torn relationships and broken business relationships. I have put many people in uncomfortable situations and scenarios, and I have been extremely rude and inappropriate to many clients, friends, and family. I have put some of my employers businesses at risk, as well as my own companies. I have not lived up to standards, nor have I been a proper example of what a person should be, as a Lover, a Father, a Friend, an Artist, and most of all, a man of God. To everyone who is willing to listen and read this I would like to say that I truly am Sorry. I am beginning to realize the effects of my decisions, as well as the cause behind them. I never had the intentions to jeopardize our friendships, relationships, businesses, and trust. You all deserve better than what I have given you, whether you have been conscious to what I have been doing or not, the fact is, I have been wrong. I am sorry. I hope that you will accept this apology, with trust and belief in me. I am on a better path now, and I will be getting better, For me, For my family, for my friends, and for those I have not yet met. Thank you all, with love from me.

Hello, My name is Derek, and I struggle with Sexual Addiction.

To many of those who may read this, this introduction may sound off. It may sound like a joke or a reason to call attention to myself. To some of those who may know me, or may be familiar with my name, it may sound like a cop-out for my behaviors in the life I have been living thus far.

I would like to explain that none of the above reasons are true. I myself did not even know that such a condition could be real until roughly a year ago. But as I have come to find out, it is a very real addiction, and goes untreated or unnoticed by many who may have it. When untreated, and unrecognized, the effects of sexual addiction, as well as the consequences of the addictions behaviors, can be very severe. They can also be, at times, life threatening. As in many addictions, it is usually not until you almost lose everything, or come damn close, that you realize you have a problem.

With permission from my lady, as well permission and approval from my therapist, I would like to document, and share with you (the reader), my testimonies, my struggles, and my over comings. As I face myself, my addictions, and my responsibilities as a father, a lover, an artist, a member of society, and one of God's children. With hopes that anyone reading, may be able to see something in these writings that they can share with someone they know, or use themselves, in there own life, and in there own struggles.

I would like to start with an explanation on Sexual Addiction, I have read through a bunch of online references and write ups. As well as a few books. The words below are a good sum of all those put together, and is easiest to understand I believe.

(explanations taken from Genesis House Treatment Center in Lake Worth, Fl)
-Sexual addiction is a condition used to describe an intense sexual drive with compulsive sexual behavior. Sexual addiction is defined by feelings and activities surrounding sex. Sexual addiction leaves an individual powerless and makes life unmanageable as in most drug addictions. Sexual addictions are secret, isolated, abusive and shameful to one's self and others. Sexual addiction follows the same cycle as in drugs and alcohol addiction: Preoccupation, ritualization, and compulsive behavior using sex as the compulsion, shame and despair. Sexual addiction is not driven by love, but by a compulsion that is needed to relieve some form of stress. As with all addictions it is progressive and destructive and does not get better with out help.

When I first read about Sexual Addiction, I felt like it was a joke almost. How could someone be addicted to having Sex. Many times I would joke about it when I was growing up with friends, and people I knew while we would be telling stories. Even through all my relationships and all the casual partners, I never thought what I was doing was so much of an addiction as it was an exploration of new woman, and new things. I would joke around with people, calling it a "sport."

(what can make sexual activities turn into addiction)
-Sexual addiction differs from other drug addictions in that it uses the bodies own hormonal system. This system uses the body's neurotransmitters to flood itself with its own endorphins. People do create a tolerance to the bodies hormonal systems, and in order to obtain the same relief from stress received the first time, one must go through more extremes to obtain it. Tolerance builds up when the person arouse the neuropathways on a constant bases, thus creating higher tolerance over time. Similar to drug and alcohol addiction, compulsive use of drugs makes the body require more of the drug to reach the desired relief. In sexual addiction it is our hormonal system that develops a tolerance. Because of this the individual must try harder to reach their relief from stress. The Individual may seek relief in many forms such as, compulsive masturbation, pornography, Internet sex, multiple partners, voyeurism, seduction, fantasy, prostitution, phone sex, exhibitionism, voyeurism, sexual harassment and some severe cases may proceed to molestation and rape.

My therapist had told me in our first meeting, about documented Scientists who had tested the effects of Sexual Stimulation vs Morphine addictions in lab rats. (do not chew my head off, I did not run the tests.) In one group they created an addiction to Morphine, the other group was wired with electrodes in the brain that would trigger an orgasm. After giving the rats the addictions, they then quit the tests cold on both groups. The Morphine rats came off the addiction quicker than the rats with the orgasms. When I asked how that could be, He began to explain to me the reasoning I have in italics above. That's when I began to recognize, this addiction is real. I have it, and I needed help.

It has not been always been the most fun path these last few years. I walked away from God a while back. And in doing so, I walked away from the one thing that can help me get through everything. My lady, my kid, my job(s), my friends, my family, my clientele, my art . . . all of it has been effected greatly, by my decisions to not recognize the problem I had. All of it has been hurt by my decision to believe I was stronger than the problem I had.

I have lost jobs, and have had others threatened. I have lost clientele and network contacts. I have lost vehicles. I have lost friends. I have lost relationships. I have built up mountains of debt. And at one point I had lost my Faith, all because I failed to recognize I had a problem.

I almost lost my Lady, I almost lost my Son, and I almost lost our companies, all because I continually failed to recognize, this problem was bigger than me. I have since found myself a therapist, and I have since found my Faith inside of me again, and I believe I am beginning to understand what "Grace" really means. Now begins the journey to overcome.